I’ve come to realize that watching Temptation Island is similar in some ways to having an addiction. There are very high highs and some seriously low lows and yet I keep chasing that dragon and coming back for more, even though I could be using the time it takes me to write these recaps to catch up on all the Faulkner I intentionally skipped over the years. (That man went on for pages about shit like flora and fauna.) But the biggest reason I feel Temptation Island is similar to an addiction is because the action has become repetitive. We’re on episode nine now, and certain things probably won’t change. Ashley H. will still be amazed by some new boy’s kisses. Casey will still be crying over how poorly things have turned out for him. Gavin will continue to look stunned by Esonica’s growing confidence. Rick, who saw way too much the first week to be stunned by anything at this point, will ride out the next few days until he can finally reunite with Ashley G. and then he will sit quietly while she investigates the imaginary subtext that’s not actually flowing through whatever conversation they’ll have beside a Bonfire. And Dave? Dave will still have the gall to swear up and down that Kate is and has always been his top priority and then he will prove it by promising his future to Toneata.
But some things do change. Though the participants who had the toughest time initially are now doing well, Gavin is not. He’s realizing the choices he made, like sucking some chick’s toes while a camera was pointed his way, may have involved zero emotions, but he’s pretty sure Esonica is developing real emotions for Kareem. This experience seems to have led this couple to completely different pages of two very different books – which were probably not written by William Faulkner. Ultra aware he doesn’t have a lot of options right now, he decides to follow up his declaration of disappointment about the possibility of losing Esonica by hitting on Mia. Unfortunately for Gavin, Mia is not a moron and she is offended to be seen as a tarnished silver lining. But all may not be lost for Gavin! At the other villa, Esonica tells Ashley G. that something went down between her and Kareem – I’m not sure that “something” was sex, but whatever it was did not involve organizing her sock drawer – but she admits she’s still thinking about and missing Gavin.
It seems everyone in the villa is in a bit of a mental tizzy, and into that tizzy walks Mark. He gathers the women and the male Tempters (The blonde guy with the bun is still there?! What has he been doing for all these weeks?) and reminds the women that they came to Temptation Island in order to determine if their boyfriends were right for them in the long run. While that’s not entirely true – several of them arrived there under emotional duress – Mark wants them to now choose dates for what will be a romantic overnight excursion. The selections are relatively obvious at this point and since those not invited on dates have to leave, two guys named Chris are voted off. Bun Man’s name is Chris! Fare-thee-well, boys! And congratulations for mostly staying out of the fucked up fray! Mark then heads over to the guys’ house for the exact same reason and what should be the only question here is which girl Casey will choose to vent to for an entire evening: Payton or Rachel? That mystery is solved quickly when he asks Rachel to join him. The bigger surprise here is when Gavin asks Mia to be his date and apologizes for not pursuing her with more enthusiasm thus far and she responds sweetly and thoughtfully that the overnight aspect of the date makes her too uncomfortable to accept. Gavin looks hurt and Gavin is not really a bad guy; it’s not much fun to see him momentarily leveled. He has to regroup fast and ask out someone else and he chooses Payton. Have none of these guys looked at Colleen? That woman is gorgeous and she seemingly isn’t nuts! When it’s Rick’s turn, he asks Medinah if she will join him and continue to explore a friendship, which means Rick appears to have made his choice and now only Dave will be getting laid on this fine evening.
We begin with Rick and Medinah’s date and it’s as confusing for us to watch as it probably is for them to be on it. They each have very different goals for the next twenty-four hours. Medinah wants to show Rick her soothing side and she mentions that their dates in real life will probably not involve a helicopter ride. Rick wants to have a nice day with a nice girl, but he is not so much as even considering dating Medinah on the outside because he’s still hung up on Ashley and I think we all know Ashley is not about to allow Medinah to stay in Rick’s life, even as a friend. But they’re staying in a lovely hotel and they toast to being officially in the friend zone and it seems Rick is fully ready to forgive Ashley for whatever she did with KB. I really thought I was one of the most forgiving people on the planet, but I think Rick has me beat. While I’ve forgiven people for pulling some serious bullshit over the years – to not forgive just feels exhausting – none of the bullshit they ever pulled on me was televised.
Casey and Rachel arrive at a cute house and head to the backyard to hang in the hot tub. As far as Rachel sees it, her job for the night is to prepare Casey for the worst as it pertains to his girlfriend, but this guy is so intent on changing Ashley’s mind about wanting to marry him that he’s not even allowing himself to consider the notion that she is just not interested in him anymore. I’m not sure Rachel has it in her to burst his bubble that’s made out of sheer fantasy, so she just toasts to the fairytale playing out only in the confines of his mind. As for the woman who is technically still Casey’s girlfriend, she is wandering around an idyllic bamboo forest with a boy she cannot stop kissing. You’d think it couldn’t get any more magical, but then they stumble upon a waterfall and they sit beside it while grinning at one another in that way you do in the hours before you know you’re about to be fully naked with someone until sunrise – though maybe that’s just me. Then they get into their swimsuits and make out beneath the waterfall and it’s all shown to us in slow motion because the editors of this show just can’t help themselves.
Also: Ashley H. always struck me as a pretty girl, but this level of happiness she’s got going on has made her truly beautiful. I’m starting to hope she sticks with Ben, if only for aesthetic reasons.
Gavin and Payton spend their day on a boat watching dolphins swim by and Gavin seems happy to spend the day with Payton even though he makes it clear that their day will not end with any form of banging. Esonica, who used to require that Kareem keep a literal arm’s distance from her, is now holding his hand as they walk along the shoreline. She’s pretty sure she met Kareem for a reason, but she’s not certain yet what that reason is and she’s trying to figure it all out. They’re staying in a nice house, she’s allowing him to share her bed, and we’ll have to wait and see what eventually transpires. In the meantime, we head to a cool modern place where Dominique and Kate will spend the night. Kate looks nervous being alone with some other guy, so I guess it’s a good thing there’s also a camera crew along for the journey. Then they get in the pool, she refrains from kissing him for now, he refrains from kissing her, and the sexual tension is getting ratcheted up by the second and since I’m rooting for Kate to end up with anyone besides Dave, I wish I could immediately send them a lovely Welcome to Your Overnight Date basket filled with chocolate kisses and a gallon of lube. I’m very thoughtful that way.
Toneata and her always-glossed lips and Dave and his always-gelled hair hang outside of what I think is a hotel. Toneata is not ready to declare what she has with Dave to be love – and I hope the reason for that is because she’s maybe sane – but she claims to really like the guy and it must be because of how deep Dave is. Let’s see…on this date he tells her that she swept him off his feet, that they are both really good looking, and that he’s ready to be fully transparent with Kate at the final Bonfire because he is a man who only knows how to be honest. (Stop laughing, you guys! I’m attempting to walk you through this thick and chunky horseshit!) Though he acknowledges that he will always love Kate and he’s never been as close to another woman as he has been to her, he sees Toneata as being on a different “level,” and I think we all know the level he’s talking about is purely based on conventional standards of beauty. But first of all, Kate is beautiful. Second of all, the fact that Toneata doesn’t inquire about what he means when he refers to this level thing tells me she a) Knows he’s this much of a superficial fuck and is choosing not to care or b) She’s a woman who doesn’t like to ask follow-up questions because that shit was not covered in The Rules. What I do know for sure is that Toneata claims to see this philandering guy, who has cavalierly and continually humiliated his girlfriend, as a potential forever mate and all of it is almost too depressing for words.
Ashley G. is spending her day with Jose on a golf course. She’s pretty terrible at the sport, but at least she’s smiling. Later, she and Juan head to a restaurant and she confides that she’s not sure Rick will be able to forgive her for what happened with KB. Juan is the exact right man for the job right now. When Ashley attempts to change the subject so she won’t have to confront her own thoughts, Juan casually stabs his fork into his meal and matter-of-factly says, “If you don’t talk about it, you’re not working on it.” I like this guy! And I think maybe he’d be good for Medinah! Someone on production set them up, okay?
Though we still have no clarification on what (or who) went down between Esonica and Kareem the night before, they are having a lovely time on their picnic. Kareem compliments Esonica’s natural beauty and she is starting to think he may very well be the man who can help her bring all her walls down. And as she allows herself to get giddy about the possibility of a new love, her old love is swearing to Payton that he has to make Esonica see how deeply he loves her. I’d usually caution against taking any of Payton’s advice because she hasn’t come off all that well on this show, but she’s very helpful and wise here and she tells Gavin to be as open with Esonica as he possibly can. She then tries to make the guy feel better by saying that Esonica can’t possibly be ready to throw away such a deep relationship like the one she has with Gavin, but wasn’t Gavin making that very thing a possibility by bringing her on this show? Esonica ends her night kissing Kareem and Gavin ends his night by eating ramen with Payton and I think these back-to-back scenes are clearly meant to teach us very important lessons, like how choices lead to consequences and that reality TV was probably conceived by Lucifer himself.
Also: I’ve been off carbs since June 11th, but I would really like some ramen.
Casey is still using his time to orchestrate a fantasy reunion with his estranged girlfriend, and he’s lost enough mentally at the moment to convince himself that being in a room together will be enough to bring Ashley running back to him. I know he sees these thoughts as rational because Ashley used to be so invested in him, but he chose to thrust the girl into a totally irrational situation. Now he’s attempting to negate what he’s done so that he – and he alone – can rewrite the rules. I feel for the guy, but holy hell, there is a level of arrogance here I cannot quite stomach. And speaking of stomachs, Ashley H.’s heart drops into hers when Ben smiles at her over dinner. He also marvels that he’s genuinely falling for her. To the seventeen Casey fans out there, I feel like now may be the time for you to accept that you probably will not asked to be part of his wedding party in the coming months, but it would still be lovely of you to send him a gift. A large box Kleenex or a nice mood stabilizer would probably be very appreciated right about now.
Over their dinner, Dominique tells Kate “You excite me. You make me happy.” And though she looks drawn to him, there are a zillion emotions flittering across her face. I’m not camping out inside this woman’s brain, but my guess is that she’s not sure she can trust him, not after the supposed love of her life so boldly betrayed her, and though she really wants to kiss Dominique, she also wants to hold on to the moral high ground she’s been standing on (alone) for weeks. But finally Kate leans in and kisses Dominique and being that I’d prefer for this nice person to end up with a piece of lint covered in dogshit and the vomit of my enemies rather than with Dave, I hope she and Dominique work out. And if they don’t, I hear celibacy is really not that terrible after a while.
The next morning dawns and it’s pretty easy to figure out which couples banged the night before. Kareem and Esonica are happy as can be and are discussing whether or not the majesty of nature they keep encountering is a sign from the universe that they belong together. Now, I’m not sure I buy the idea of the universe orchestrating things, but what this sequence clearly indicates is that it’s totally fucking possible to have a deep conversation with someone on this show and the reason we never see scenes of Dave and Toneata having such conversations is because they don’t actually say anything to one another other than “You’re pretty!” I’m rooting for Esonica and Kareem because I believe they actually have a connection that goes beyond the physical.
Though it’s looking like Dominique and Kate also did the deed and he sweetly gets out of bed to bring her some coffee, I’m not sure Kate will be able to disengage from Dave once they’re back in the real world. Maybe watching footage of Dave waking up beside Toneata and agreeing they’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend will be enough for her to cut the guy out of her life forever – or at least cut his jean shorts (!) into itty bitty pieces that she can throw in his face as she tosses him out the door and out of her life. And should she need a pair of scissors that can slice through denim (and probably flesh), she should feel free to call me.
Also: Lest you think Dave is only an asshole to Kate, do not despair! He is a universal asshole! While he brings up moving to Los Angeles again to Toneata, he also tells us that he still has to figure out where things stand with Kate and he is not at all closed off to returning to her in New Jersey. “I’m just trying to be honest,” this liar once again says with a straight face. Men like him are why I sometimes consider joining a convent – and I’m Jewish.
And then we have Casey, a man who has decided to buy a ring so he can officially begin planning what I like to refer to as Casey’s Desperation Proposal. There may be nothing sadder than watching a willfully blind man saying things like “Why wait when we both want it?” when he knows full well his girlfriend is currently waking up next to another guy.
Fuck, I hope that ring is returnable.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Her Twitter is @nell_kalter