If you’re anything like me, you’re currently doing five things right now:
1. Looking forward to Kate impaling Dave with a pointy piece of firewood at the final Bonfire.
2. Quickly throwing together a betting pool so you can win some money if you happen to guess the exact gallon of tears Casey will shed when his “sales pitch” to become Ashley’s husband doesn’t work.
3. Paging through Psychology textbooks to make sure you clearly understand the symptoms of “delusions of grandeur” because you think it’s very important to properly diagnose the people you write about in your recaps.
4. Including “Never go on a fucking reality show” in your growing list of New Year’s Resolutions. To be fair, such a creed has been on that list for well over a decade, but so has “Stop swallowing gum” and sometimes you falter a bit with that one.
5. Coming to terms with the idea that there is no way this episode will not end on a cliffhanger. Sure, we will get some satisfaction, but we will have to wait until the show’s final episode to really know what will happen with the four couples who arrived on this island together and then betrayed one another in every conceivable way possible.
Oh, and if you’re really like me, you are also wondering how anyone can possibly think it’s a valid argument to blame editing for how you come across on a reality show. This form of programming has been part of our collective consciousness for well over twenty years; every person blessed with basic cable knows full well that editors splice shit you say into anything that can become a storyline. Know the best way to avoid such a mishap you will then claim caused you to be misrepresented? Don’t go on a reality show. But since none of these people took heed of that particular lesson, we begin this episode with the women reuniting at the villa where everyone besides Ashley G. looks like they recently got themselves good and laid. Ben and Ashley H. giggle about being really tired, Kate says she had a “gooooooood” time with Dominique, Esonica appears more relaxed than she has in weeks – and into this happy atmosphere walks Mark with some news: it’s time for the women to say goodbye to the men they spooned with last night because it’s almost time for them to face their actual boyfriends at a flaming inferno that will be equipped with microphones to catch their every scream and whimper.
The couples appear stunned that this moment is upon them (did they not watch last season very carefully before they agreed to be on this show?) and Esonica and Kareem say goodbye first. They’re in matching shades of coral, they speak sweetly and honestly with one another, and Kareem reminds her that she is different than when she first stepped onto the island so she should make her final decision about her relationship as this new and strong person. Kate cries as she spends her last moments with Dominique. She appreciates how he helped build her confidence during their time together and he in turn tells her that this is not goodbye. Ashley H. is swearing to Ben that she will not allow Casey or his tangible desperation talk her into marrying him. (Yes, she has guessed Casey’s plan and she expects he will pitch the idea of forever to her the way one would pitch a weight loss program to someone feeling bloated right around January 2nd.) As for Ashley G. and Jose, we don’t even get to see their goodbyes and I think it’s because Ashley and Rick getting back together is just a certainty at this point. That they will continue to drive one another stark raving mad is yet another certainty and we all know it.
The partings that will take place over at the guys’ house will likely be less fraught with tension and tears. While Medinah still has feelings for Rick, she knows being with him right now isn’t an option and it’s not as though Payton or Rachel have a ton of feelings for the men with whom they just spent twenty-four straight hours. But poor Toneata and Dave! Toneata has yet another flower Dave plucked from a tree shoved behind her ear and now she has to say a temporary goodbye to such a wonderful man who is clearly capable of remaining devoted to a woman he claims to love! (Yes, that was sarcasm – and if you didn’t read it as such, you’re probably currently wearing a flower in your hair.) But before Mark can make his entrance, Casey proudly shows the group the engagement ring he idiotically purchased and everyone pretends to smile at the crazy man sitting before them because it just seems safer that way. Then Mark arrives and Medinah and Rick go sit outside to say goodbye. I actually got a little choked up when Rick said, “Thank you. Thank you for helping me grow” and she responds, “I’m really going to miss you.” This woman deserves someone fantastic. Payton, whom I do not believe has changed at all, compliments Gavin on how much he has changed while Rachel spends her last moments on that island telling a guy clutching an engagement ring how absolutely fine he will be should he leave the island single. As for Dave and Toneata, they discuss how they are totally planning to be together after Dave officially breaks up with Kate, and though I realize the pickings were seriously slim in that villa, I cannot for the life of me understand how Toneata looks at Dave and sees someone who is not fully willing to fuck her over – in high-definition.
Also: I would love for Medinah and Rick’s vow to keep in touch to be something that actually happens, but I don’t see Ashley allowing that contact. I hope I’m wrong. I think Medinah might actually make Rick a better boyfriend for Ashley.
Also: Toneata knows Kate and Dave live together and she also knows that Dave intentionally and casually put Kate through this madness.
Also: Toneata is not at all worried because she can just tell what an honest man Dave is.
Also: Toneata is either a fucking moron or this show is willing to pay more if you are willing to utter absolute nonsensical bullshit while smiling for a camera with a flower plucked from a bush shoved behind your ear by someone greasy and very very basic.
Now that all the Tempters and Temptresses are off the island – or now that they’re hanging out in some nearby hotel room so they can be whisked to the Bonfire at the last minute should they be “chosen” – it’s time to get to the actual couples who are about to see one another for the first time in about a month. Yes, it’s only been a month that these people have been separated, but toss in producer machinations and enforced daily confessionals and some steamy hot Bonfires and multiply all that shit by a lot of alcohol and escalating human vulnerability and that one month becomes thirty days in which anything can happen. Only two reunions will take place during this episode and Ashley G. and Rick are up first. We see a montage of the time each spent on the island and we learn that Rick wants to grow as a partner. We learn Ashley hoped to prove her capacity for loyalty by coming on this show, an intention she promptly tossed out the proverbial window and into the simmering pile of symbolic garbage that is KB, who, of course, is the Captain of this recap. Ashley is hoping Rick still wants to be with her and every bit of me believes they will A) End up together and B) Throw everything that happened on this island into every argument they have for the rest of their natural lives. I’m not so sure they’ll be unhappy, though. I think this may be the life these two want. So should Ashley land that coveted ring, I will send her something nice for their new home, though that something will not be a set of steak knives because I’m not insane. But a lovely toaster could soon be coming their way!
Kate and Dave will be the other couple at the Bonfire this episode and Dave reminds us that he convinced Kate to come on Temptation Island because he felt the experience would allow him to become more open with his feelings and he also wanted to prove to Kate that she could trust him completely. In other words, Dave lied to Kate, he lied to himself, he is looking forward to a sunny future where he can lie to Toneata, and he sucks stringy balls. But Dave swears he has changed! He has become more open! The only problem is that the person he opened up to was Toneata and that could maybe be a depressing thing for Kate to learn, but her sadness will almost certainly be assuaged when this series airs and she’s able to see that “becoming more open” means Dave felt bold enough to tell a blonde model that he thinks she’s really pretty. Growth! What it seems is actually happening in this Dave-Kate-Toneata situation is that Dave spent his time before coming to the island gaslighting Kate into believing she was far too insecure, even though she obviously had things to feel insecure about where their relationship was concerned. Once he got on the island, he felt up Samantha, slipped Payton the tongue, and professed his devotion and willingness to relocate to Toneata, all the while telling us that he wasn’t sure what he would do in the end and telling us continually in his confessionals that he was just trying to be honest while lying to everyone in his orbit rocking a working pulse. The man is a horror show of a human being and Kate is worried that the moment she sees His Evilness, she will crumble in exactly the way he probably expects she will. Listen, we all have walking pieces of kryptonite in our lives. These people somehow impact us the way nobody else can, but when that kryptonite hauls your ass onto a reality show so he can betray you while a weekly audience stares at your pain, it’s time to tell that kryptonite to fuck the fuck off.
But before I can throw any other Superman references out there or mention that I think it would be fun to run Dave over with Wonder Woman’s invisible jet, it’s time for Ashley and Rick’s Bonfire. Ashley is worried that Rick has grown beyond her and Rick is worried he will never be able to trust Ashley. He does, however, greet her with a warm smile and he gives her a good hug. They don’t really speak right away because the rules of the Bonfire do not allow for any kind of small talk. They instead have to listen to one another without interrupting and Rick is asked by Mark to go first and explain to Ashley what his experience on the island has been like and what he’s learned since he arrived. Rick begins by telling Ashley about the ways he was tempted by Medinah and I’m happy he calls Medinah “a great woman.” He says they didn’t have sex, but they did kiss and they did cuddle and she did teach him a lot, like how maybe he wasn’t so effective at handling some of the conflicts he had with Ashley in the past. But while he’s speaking, it’s beyond obvious that Ashley is still exclusively reading the imaginary subtext of his words. She is focusing only on what Rick could be saying that could maybe cause her to feel pain rather than sifting through his words for the love that’s so evidently there. If he chooses her – which we all know he will – the misreading of conversations will always be a factor in Rick’s life. What Rick is attempting to actually get Ashley to understand is that she has been in the back of his mind the entire time, even when he was subjected to watching things that were all kinds of difficult to see. He concludes by saying that he has learned he needs to make Ashley his number one priority. How this man reached this particular decision is beyond me, but I’m quite sure it means he’s a kinder person than I am – either that, or he’s lost his entire fucking mind. Ashley, looking vulnerable, cries as she begins to speak, but she also flatly blames Rick for kicking her insecurity into high-gear by tossing out his “I’m not trying to cuff her” comment, which – again – was said in public while cameras were aimed at his face during a tropical excursion Rick didn’t much feel like heading on in the first fucking place. That Ashley is able to claim his comment MUST have meant he had no feelings or commitment to his girlfriend of almost five years and that’s why she banged a fucking heathen, well, I just have no words anymore. Then, after blaming Rick, she says she takes responsibility for what went down with KB and she also says she has no idea what her future holds at this point. That’s when Mark jumps in. He tells her there are three potential options here. She can leave the island with Rick, she can leave alone as the independent women he swears she has become (at least that’s what written in his script), or she can leave with some other guy and humiliate Rick one last time. She holds her hands up to her face and appears confused about this choice, so she looks at Rick and says, “You go first.” “You go first,” Rick responds. “He asked you.” But then Rick breaks, much as he will have to in order to survive the coming years of his life, and he tells Ashley he never stopped caring about her, but he was out on the island looking to make an emotional connection that would better him as a man while Ashley just went the sexual connection route. He moved forward and she moved backward, Rick complains.
“She forgave you for your transgressions in the past,” Mark tells Rick. “Can you forgive her for her transgressions here?”
Rick takes a second. The Bonfires he had to sit through were hellish – and that comparison doesn’t even involve the flames. What he was forced to see was humiliating. But then he looks at Ashley and he asks if she loves him. When she nods, he agrees that he loves her too and they decide to leave that island together.
Also: Isn’t it amazing how Ashley’s tears suddenly cease flowing the second she gets exactly what she wants?
I suppose if you’re Rick, Ashley, or if you’re highly medicated, you would look at this particular Bonfire as a happy ending, which means it’s time to bring forth the tragedy! Bring on Dave and Kate!
Let’s start with Dave. He’s in a car worrying that he will be so nervous upon seeing his girlfriend that he will not be able to say all the things he wants to say, which means he’ll have a tough time croaking out sentences like “I’m really sorry I hurt you and I will keep saying I’m sorry even though I have no intention of not hurting you. Also, I have to make this conversation where I’m pretending to be morose kind of snappy because my flight to L.A. leaves soon, unless a scientist captures me before then because I may be the finest test subject for a clinical study in narcissism.” Kate, however, feels calm. She knows that could change once she sees Dave, but she feels like she’s about to confront someone she barely knows.
“Right now I feel strong and comfortable in my own skin,” Kate tells Mark while looking hotter than she ever has in a dress I want to immediately own in two colors.
Also: Mark is fantastic at these final Bonfires. Yes, he’s a host of a reality show. Sure, he is paid to help elicit misery from the show’s participants. But he is fatherly and he is warm and his presence in the end is comforting to me as a viewer, so I can only imagine how comforting the participants of this show must find him in these miserable moments.
When Dave arrives, Kate greets him with far too upbeat a “Hiiiiiiiii” for my liking, but at this juncture, only impalement of the guy’s scrotum would really bring me joy. Kate is asked to speak first and the woman is masterful at attempting to excoriate a man who doesn’t have the capacity to actually be excoriated because that would require the ability to feel humility and empathy and Dave forgot to pack those things because he had to make room for his extra tubes of hair gel. Still, Kate thanks him for bringing her to a place where she was able to recognize her worth. She tells him she feels confident and beautiful. She informs him the men in her villa could not believe a girl as phenomenal as she is had to sit through devastating video footage of romantic betrayal. She asserts that she finally understands her own worth and that he has helped her realize exactly what it is she does not deserve. “I think you selfishly and cowardly brought me here for your own gains,” she informs the selfish coward sitting beside her, the one that’s finding it hard to look at her right now, especially when she tells him that she is not the type of girl who ever should have been on a show like this in the first place. Then she tells him what a shame it is that she had to be away from him in order to realize that she’s strong and pretty and confident.
Dave begins speaking next and he would like Kate to know a few things:
1. He didn’t bring her on Temptation Island to embarrass her. (He’s just an asshole, and assholes embarrass those unlucky enough to love them.)
2. He brought them to that island because he was hoping they would grow. (But instead of pouring water on their relationship to help in that growing process, he decided to focus instead on other wet liquids that were way more fun for him to cultivate.)
3. He swears he has grown! (His evidence for said growth is that she just witnessed him cry. Sure, there were no actual tears present, but he did rub his eyes and look sheepish! How’s that for evolution?!)
4. The massive amount of self-reflation he has done means he fully comprehends that Kate watching him shower with a woman and engage in a threesome probably hurt her, but since those activities involved zero emotions on his part, Kate should be able to get over those silly incidents. But yes, he does realize how much having to watch those moments probably hurt her. (And he decided to do it all anyway.)
5. He would also like to catalogue everything he did at the villa for Kate. (Dave is honest, you guys! Remember? He tells us that a lot after he’s done lying to a blonde woman.)
6. He informs Kate he got lap dances, showered with Samantha, hooked up with Samantha and Payton, but he only sees those girls as friends.
It’s around this time when the camera cuts to Mark stifling his smile because it’s hard not to giggle at someone pretending to be earnest when that person is such an emotionally warped pile of pig vomit. It’s also around this point when Kate asks Dave to clarify that Toneata saw him behaving this way and then decided she wanted to be with him for real? “That’s really sad,” Kate tells him, and then she cuts off the rest of his honesty by telling him he really doesn’t need to tell all of America how brazenly he whored himself out all in the name of faux personal growth.
The episode ends there, on Kate morphing before our eyes into a mini superhero. I have no idea what will happen when this Bonfire resumes next week or if they leave the island apart and somehow get back together – which is not something I’m willing to fully discount as a possibly yet. I mean, I have experience dating some truly evil people and those people did not reach levels of peak evil without understanding the power of manipulation and then wielding it like a sword. But right here – right now – Kate is staring straight at her walking piece of kryptonite and she doesn’t even need to tie on a cape to feel strong.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Her Twitter is @nell_kalter