After the tragic denouement of last week’s episode wherein participants of this show were symbolically impaled by literal betrayal, it seems now may be a good time to regroup. So while you stretch and thank everyone in your life for never dragging you onto a reality show, I’m going to make a few predictions about what I think will happen to these people in the coming weeks:
Prediction #1: Ashley H., who was horrifically manipulated by production via a truncated statement from Casey, will lose eight pounds of water weight through her retinas and will then sop up that sadness by hooking up with either Deac or Ben.
Prediction #2: Ashley G. will not be able to handle Rick moving on from her, even though she was the one who banged a stranger almost immediately after arriving on the island. Between that and KB’s obvious ambivalence, she will attempt to fling herself into a simmering volcano – but she will only do it so KB will climb in to save her, which he would totally do, but he might be very busy taking a nap.
Prediction #3: Esonica will wear her hair in an adorable new way and she will allow Kareem to play with it if she’s feeling charitable.
Prediction #4: Kate will crumble from the inside out and her devastation will be so complete that soon maybe only a pile of blonde hair and some still-intact lashes will remain. Then she will pick herself and those lashes off the floor and recognize that Dave is beneath her, a revelation that won’t really bother Dave too much since he is currently beneath many women.
Prediction #5: When it comes to the men, I think Casey will spend most of his time behaving, though he should really be dedicating his time to filling out the paperwork he’s gonna need to enter the Witness Protection Program. He’s going to require some way to evade Payton once he leaves that island, and my assumption is that particular need will only grow once Ashley cheats and Casey retaliates by hooking up with the world’s least stable rebound option. I think Rick will legitimately fall for Medinah – and he may want to get a copy of the paperwork Casey is working on just in case Ashley G. spends her time off the island stalking him instead of KB. I expect Gavin will suck the toes of several more women and will be shocked to learn Esonica is no longer pining for him and I think Dave will wear his glasses for another day or so in order to appear pious and regretful and then he will celebrate taking those glasses off by feeling up Toneata in a hot tub or some other body of water.
But when it comes predictions, please remember that I was wrong about just about every couple on last season’s show and I never would have figured out what was in the fucking hatch on Lost on my own. Still, I think I’m right about a few of my guesses, especially when it comes to what I think will go down with the Ashleys. Before we get there, however, we must return to the Bonfire where Kate watches footage of Dave cavorting with two women in more than one room of a villa and reveals that maybe she always knew he was deceptive and the type of person who would be this emotionally cruel. The others sob for her, and probably for themselves as well. It’s not easy to be confronted with the very worst in humanity; it’s less easy to see those signs in yourself, to know you also have the power and sometimes the will to wield pain.
“His words have meant nothing. I mean, does he not understand that I’m going to see that?” Kate asks with grief choking her voice. And the thing is, he does realize she will see that – but his own wanton momentary needs took precedent and that right there is why this woman needs to ditch this fucker immediately.
How does Mark handle the fact that he has just contributed to warping these women forever? He tells them that they are growing faster than they even think. And while that may be true, I sort of wish he hadn’t added the “than you think” part. These people currently no longer have belief in the good of the common man; shouldn’t they at least be allowed the agency to know when they’re growing?
We return to the men back at their villa and they are toasting to the ladies who have been hired to understand them and their needs, skills that will look lovely on a resume one day. The mood is mildly forlorn, but Casey’s not all that upset. Sure, it was weird to hear his girlfriend say she liked some other guy, but he’s sure she’ll choose him in the end. (This bit of seemingly throwaway dialogue? It’s exactly what I’d expect to see right before Ashley H. disrobes for someone new.) Medinah is following Rick around the kitchen trying to understand him, which will be a serious accomplishment since Rick is not a guy who enjoys speaking about feelings. Quick note to Medinah: a man who utters sentences like “You think I want to think about that?” is probably not someone with whom you will be able to endure hard times. Medinah tries though. She makes her wanting to discuss what happened at the Bonfire about her own needs and she tells Rick he is standoffish. “How am I standoffish?” Rick asks her as he literally leans away from her. But when his distance causes Medinah to admit that he’s making her feel insecure and she begins to cry, he draws her in and hugs her. “I don’t want to be the old Rick,” he reveals to us, and maybe there’s hope he won’t be, though his only shot in hell at changing is getting away from a woman like Ashley who needs to battle in order to feel like she’s alive.
Back at the other villa, Kate is devastated. As she explains, she’s been taking care of “we” for so long that she has forgotten how to think of herself. And then in come the guys with some grilled cheese and soup – which are commendable comfort foods, though I prefer my comfort to be a la mode – and Ashley H. tells them she’s ready to have some fucking fun because she’s fucking tired of fucking caring about fucking fuck faces, or something to that effect. Ashley H. is mad, you guys, and I’m wagering she will release that anger by tugging on a deac before the sun comes up.
These girls need to have some fun. How does debauchery look at the girls’ house? Well, it seems to involve duct tape and, I’m imagining, a lot of unexpected waxing once that tape is pulled off. The party itself looks fine as long as you’re into girls dancing in slow motion and people getting water poured on their asses, which incidentally is the kind of shit I only allow to happen on very special Wednesdays. Ashley H. is enjoying herself as she twerks yet again for the masses, but when the festivities wind down, Kate’s emotions bubble over. “What was so bad in our relationship that he had to come here and have, like, Spring Break 2019?” Kate wails to Dominique, and the girl is fucking right. Dave is the worst one on this show. He’s selfish and then he has the nerve to appear contrite, which only feels even more selfish and manipulative. It kills me that Kate is the one who is embarrassed here when it should be the other way around. But it’s not just Kate reevaluating her boyfriend. Esonica has told Kareem all about the toe suckage she had to endure and how she’s repulsed by Gavin’s actions, but she’s not ready to say she doesn’t want to be with the guy. I think she’ll get there. And then we have Ashley H. confiding in Deac. Allow me to set the scene here. Ashley is in a thong bikini bottom and Deac is wearing either boxer briefs or a bathing suit in highlighter yellow with caution taped wrapped around his head as Ashley tells him that Casey said he’d be fine if he and Ashley broke up. (Remember: Casey also said he wants to marry her, but those crafty editors spliced those words right out.) This is just the news Deac has been waiting for! He sees the first glint of a tear, wraps Ashley in his arms, and bides his time until she’s either so devastated or so furious that she will allow him to comfort her with some tongue.
Things appear more settled once a new day dawns and it’s time for date selections. Ashley G. asks Chris – and she does it in front of KB, who reacts not even a bit. Chris hasn’t exactly been pining away for Ashley, but he’s excited to get out of the house. Ashley H. asks Ben out (it’s his turn at bat) and it’s a foregone conclusion that Esonica will take Kareem and Kate will bring Dominique and his abs. Over at the guys’ house, Gavin asks out a very smiley Mia, Rick is taking Medinah, Dave invites Toneata instead of either of his threesome participants, and Casey is wise enough to ask out Rachel, but he is foolish enough to not recognize that Payton will react to the two of them simply speaking by losing whatever is left of her mind. She stands up, repeats the words “I’m out” several times, and then publically bawls, drowning the surface of the house in irrational tears.
Also: If Payton is not actually just playing the role of Psychotic Reality Show Participant to enhance some acting resume she’s got, then she needs to be studied by a team of experts who can devote an entire chapter to her in a new Psychology textbook coming out soon that explores baseless and batshit obsession.
The date Esonica and Kareem go on looks like a fucking postcard. They’re both dressed in shades of green and they wander hand-in-hand around a bucolic pond and their outfits match the trees that wave peacefully in the breeze. It doesn’t get any more adorable, certainly not on this show. Gavin and Mia spend the day tubing. Gavin screams constantly in fear and Mia giggles every single time. Mia seems like a lighthearted good sport! As for Dave, he’s thrilled to be taking Toneata, whom he has anointed Hottest Girl in the Villa, out on a date and he stops in front of a bush that has a few flowers growing off of it and plucks a flower for her to stick in her hair. “Aww,” every girl is supposed to say in this fully generic moment, though “There had better not be fucking bugs crawling all over this flower” is actually what every girl is thinking. And by the way, pretty much every girl has endured that flower plucking moment and all this gesture does is once again prove how very basic Dave happens to be. “She obviously has a beautiful face,” Dave says solemnly, “but her body is incredible.” Then he tells her he likes that she’s pretty, which is clearly the first time any man in all of creation has felt such a thing, and she responds by saying she is extremely attracted to him too because questionable hair and morals aren’t on the list of Toneata’s Turnoffs. (I’m guessing lack of attention is.)
Kate and Dominique’s date involves sitting on a bluff and drinking wine. Their conversation involves more depth than the “You’re pretty!” “No, you’re pretty!” horseshit that is going on with Kate’s boyfriend at the moment. Kate and Dominique are instead discussing wanting to truly be in a relationship and feeling ready for children. Dominique says he wants to be the kind of father he never had and Kate, who seems starved for legitimately deep conversation, is starting to question whether Dave is the one for her. Ashley G. and Chris are having a way more silly date. They are pulling apart fruit and mixing up frothy cocktails before sitting down so Chris can psychoanalyze Ashley for our pleasure. He thinks this show was Ashley’s way out of her relationship and it’s stunning to me that she doesn’t immediately know he’s correct. I don’t think these two will end up together – Chris seems way too normal – but at least she’s not currently begging KB to allow her to grab his dick. Small victories, people.
And then we have Rick and Medinah and here’s why I like Medinah: She tells us that while she full on feels like she’s Rick’s girlfriend, she is also very aware that is absolutely not the case. She knows there’s a chance Rick could go back to Ashley because of their years of history. But Rick thinks he is changing. He says he cannot see leaving that island with Ashley and he doesn’t want the feeling he has with Medinah to stop. It’s a lovely moment these two share on a pier talking about their future and this same moment will undoubtedly provide an absolute shit show of hysteria when Ashley watches it back, first at the Bonfire and then on a loop in her mind.
Ashley H., who is wearing a jumpsuit made out of my Nana’s old sofa – aw, I miss you, Nana! – is spending her day flying kites with Ben and she looks almost at peace. And though Casey is enjoying a lovely afternoon fishing with Rachel and is waxing symbolic about waiting for something to nibble on the end of his, um, bait, he is still fully confident in his relationship with Ashley, a statement that begs two key questions: 1) Then why the fuck did he convince her to go on Temptation Island? and 2) When exactly will Ashley blow Casey’s confidence to ash-flavored smithereens?
We didn’t have to wait too long, did we? As Ben and Ashley walk down a path, Ben turns Ashley around and finally plants one on her. And I realize – of course I realize – that my heart should be breaking for Casey, but instead all I can think is that I am finally right about one of my predictions! Hooray! I mean, not hooray for Casey and not hooray for Deac and not hooray for Ashley who was fully suckered by production into believing Casey doesn’t care about her, but screw those people! Hooray for me!
Back at the villa, Dave lets Samantha know that the threesome and their shower time was all kinds of fun, but he is going to focus all of his energy on proving himself worthy to his dear girlfriend. Oh, I’m sorry – that right there was a typo. Dave is going to spend all his time trying to charm Toneata into believing he’s not an asshole and that shit takes work, so he can’t have Samantha clamoring for his time and attention. And like The Cool Girl Samantha is still pretending she is, she fist bumps the guy and swears she’s cool with having been used on television.
When the girls arrive home, Ashley H. takes Kate upstairs. With a grin almost splitting her face in two, Ashley tells her friend that Ben kissed her and nobody has ever kissed her like that.
“Am I being dumb right now?” Ashley asks Kate.
“I think your boyfriend was dumb for bringing you here,” Kate sagely responds.
But poor Casey. He went upstairs in his own house for one solitary second and came down to see Dave and Toneata and Rick and Medinah and, to a lesser extent, Gavin and Mia grinding one another in the kitchen. That’s where people eat! That’s where the tacos were prepared! Aren’t there bedrooms or external structures filled with cushions that grinding couple can head to instead? Can’t Dave go back to the shower? Why must all this dry humping occur where the utensils are kept? Samantha, however, isn’t concerned that the communal spatula will get sullied with bodily fluids. Her concern is that Dave is still kind of flirting with her and she’s pretending she’s not all kinds of flattered. How do I know she’s flattered? Because she repeats the line “I need a man, not a scared little boy” over and over to gaggles of people while appearing even giddier than Ashley G. looks whenever KB’s scrotum is near. And while we definitely see shots of Dave looking across the room – either at Samantha or at the leftover tacos, it’s hard to be sure – he happily takes Toneata to his room and tells her how much he likes her and he’s thinking of moving to L.A. to be near her. A reality show participant considering a move to L.A.? Join me, won’t you, in pretending to be shocked. Meanwhile, Kate is at a different villa fully freaking out about being the ripe old age of thirty-four and Chris tells her that choosing a guy six years younger who is craving time when what she is craving is a family is perhaps not the kind of thing that will work out in her favor.
Also: Ashley and Ben start kissing in the pool in full view of everyone.
Also: Ashley says Ben’s kisses are passionate while Casey’s are like little pecks.
Also: Ashley and Ben get into bed and he gets on top of her.
Also: That sound you just heard was Casey’s head exploding with regret for bringing his girlfriend on a televised vacation where the cruise director is an Executive Producer who is clearly out for blood.
Ashley is pretty happy the next morning even though there’s a Bonfire later and she knows what Casey is going to see. She didn’t have sex with Ben, but she knows footage of her kissing another guy will hurt like a motherfucker. Still, Ben has made her feel something she’s never felt before. (For the record, I’d personally prefer to watch a montage that is scored to the music of Nickelback of my boyfriend kissing someone else for forty minutes straight than hear him say that the girl he’s with makes him feel way better than I ever did.) Regardless of how you quantify it, however, pain is pain and this will be all the more painful because Casey has not crossed any of the lines Ashley thinks he has and now Casey is probably going to retaliate and it will probably be with Payton. When one needs a quick ego boost, the first stop is often at the door of an obsessive psychopath – and it’s not like there are that many doors Casey can knock on. Sure, I’m praying he runs into Laidback Rachel first, but I fear Winky Payton will be camped out on the front lawn waiting for the guy.
The guys arrive at the Bonfire first and Rick is fully prepared to see images that prove KB and Ashley are a total couple. Rick doesn’t know KB has already determined that Rick’s girlfriend is way too much for him to want to deal with and that, this week, it’s Ashley who will be hurt far more by what plays out of that iPad of doom. Casey looks vaguely calm, poor thing, Gavin looks serious, and David is asked how he’s changed since this experiment began. I expected him to say, “I haven’t changed. I’m still an asshole,” and he doesn’t exactly say that, but he also does not so much as mention Kate’s name, though he says Toneata’s twice. When the iPad is cued up for him, he watches Kate (who is in a hammock with Chris) tug on Dominique’s bathing suit and he appears serious even though he forgot to wear his glasses. It’s not easy for him to see that, he explains. Sure, he had a drunken threesome, showered with some chick, and has been discussing the rates of moving vans with Toneata, but that doesn’t mean he wants to watch Kate smile at another guy. Besides, the threesome he engaged in was completely devoid of emotion, so Kate shouldn’t be suffering from sleepless nights because of that. But he is willing to admit that he finally understands the power of emotional connections. And you know who taught him that lesson? Toneata! This guy sucks. Gavin watches the sequence where Esonica and Kareem walk near in pond in footage that looks like an ad for a fragrance I’d buy. It’s not fun for Gavin to see this. He misses Esonica and it’s looking like he wants to be with her, but if he cares for her so deeply, I have to wonder why he’d throw her into this kind of scenario in the first place, one where she would be forced to stare at video of her boyfriend’s tongue stroking the little piggy that got roast beef. When it’s Rick’s turn, he is thrilled – absolutely-fucking-kiss-the-moon thrilled – to not see his girlfriend begging for another man’s dick. Instead he watches Ashley eating chips and looking straight ahead while she dispassionately chats with KB about how they probably have no real future. What Rick doesn’t know is that KB seemingly ended things with Ashley, but that doesn’t really matter because he’s excited Ashley is not out there swinging from chandeliers and living a life of bliss with some new guy. I don’t know how this revelation is going to impact what Rick has going on with Medinah, but I’d venture to say he will pull back significantly in a way that will seem jarring to her.
And finally it’s Casey’s turn and the producers and the editors finally got him. All those Bonfires where he would sit there and shrug after watching footage of Ashley shaking her ass and cuddling with Deac or with Ben clearly made those in charge annoyed, so they did what they needed to do. They made Ashley watch only the questionable comments he made and they left out the shots of him sitting alone in the hot tub while the rest of the group gyrated inside and they didn’t dare show Ashley the sequence where he spoke about wanting to marry her and the result became what Casey is about to see, which is Temptation Island’s version of a money shot: two people kissing for more than a few seconds and then one of those people on top of the other in a bed. Casey stares at the screen openmouthed, Rick looks down and shakes his head, and Casey’s eyes fill with tears and with rage and with shock. It looks like maybe he wants to say something – like how it was dumb of him to drag this girl on this show – but he’s not quite ready to use his words yet, so instead he pounds the wooden bench below him and it looks like it hurts. Someone please tell Payton to start preparing an ice pack for Casey’s hand. And while you’re at it, tell her to stop winking. Things are tragic enough.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Her Twitter is @nell_kalter