Oh, Kelly. You are such a tragic moron. First of all, you managed to convince yourself it would be nothing short of wise and incredibly fun to go on this show, even though you claim to have been a multimillionaire for eons and therefore must not need the money. Secondly, you waded into these (well publicized) rage-filled waters although you've diagnosed yourself with the very broad and convenient ailment of Anger Issues. Thirdly, you bizarrely chose to align yourself with perhaps the only human lady in the entire stratosphere less appealing than you are and you actually then had the idiotic gumption to raise the millionth glass of alcohol you've swallowed since you've been on this show and toasted to the fact that everyone else must simply be devastated that they can't BE you, even after it's been made alarmingly clear that to be you means to be ostracized because most decent people refuse to even attempt to stomach your hideous personality. Cheers, Kelly! Here's to your eyes growing ever wider in surprise that everyone besides your ill-chosen mentor thinks you're psychotic -- and not even psychotic in an interesting way like the Countess on The Real Housewives of New York has continually proven herself a psycho with her never-ending delusions of grandeur. You, Kelly, are just a generic psycho and I'm bored with your antics already. Who do I have to blow at Bravo to make sure you don't return next season? You might not be willing to suck dick to get what you want, but I'll make an exception and go ahead and open wide if it means I never have to lay eyes on you again until I see you on the eventual commercials for Marriage Boot Camp.
Where last we left off, Shannon and David were renewing their vows and Kelly was putting Vicki (Vicki!) on her payroll as Mentor Extraordinaire since who better than a lying asshole who's been shunned by anything with a pulse to instruct Kelly on the finer points of personal betterment? Tonight, the magic continues, but I feel like I ought to add a quick disclaimer first: my wi-fi has apparently been taken over by a demon and has been flickering on and off all day, much like Kelly's sanity. As such, I'm writing this recap on my phone in my Notes app -- so this might be shorter than usual because typing an entire piece with my pointer finger is more difficult than it seems. I will, however, switch to my middle finger whenever Vicki graces the screen. Such a choice only seems appropriate.
We begin this week in the afterglow of Shannon and David's marital rebirth. I don't normally actually care about what happens to anyone on these shows, but I can't help but root for Shannon. It takes a massive amount of emotional fortitude to come back from such a low point, and I give her credit for working so hard to achieve this present sense of peace and joy. Sure, the other vow renewals we've seen play out on this franchise have rarely turned out so well in the long-run, but I hope this one will be different. And now that I've publicly supported one marriage, I feel pretty okay coming right out and questioning why Meghan has yet to run fleeing from HER husband. Man, this guy sucks. Plus, I take personal offense to the fact that she's trying to sell us on the idea that dear Jimmy is actually dying for a vow renewal ceremony of his own. I'd sooner believe he actually watched the videos his wife sent him of her in vitro process and then called her to perform a song he wrote on the recorder he expressly learned to play to celebrate the inner joy he felt about becoming a father again.
Over at the Merv Griffin Estate, Vicki arrives with her daughter and her grandsons. She's there to celebrate her birthday with all of her two friends, Tamra and Kelly. There are pools abounding and I'm certain the alcohol will soon be flowing and I am going to be like Tamra for a moment and pray to the heavens that Vicki doesn't strip down and straddle a swan float while screaming, "Whoo hoo!" more than two times over the course of this weekend because that sort of image might never leave my mind and I've really been through enough in my life. Not attending the festivities of a woman she hates is Shannon. She and David are off to Cabo for their second honeymoon and once her distilled water for her nasal machine is officially packed, the two of them are good to go.
Turns out that Meghan will be in the desert anyway, so she will stop by and say hello to Vicki as a peace offering, but Heather has chosen to stay home with her kids rather than be in any airspace Kelly clogs with her awfulness and her frequent shouts of "Cunt!" Lest anyone worry, Vicki will not be spending her birthday without a man because one of the many men who are sick enough to sleep with her will be showing up at some point because the only thing Vicki can do less convincingly than act like a normal human being is act like a SINGLE human being. She will get married again if it fucking kills her and I only pray she asks Brooks to be her flower girl.
Also: whichever editor decided it would be awesome to show us a flashback of Brooks' mangled teeth in close-up needs to be fired, though you know that guy just got a promotion. I'd rather listen to Vicki talk about a yeast infection than ever see such a sight ever again.
I will go ahead and give Vicki credit for being kind enough to bring Brianna's husband out to surprise her. It can't be easy for Brianna to be ill and raising two toddlers without her husband around, so there -- I just said something nice about Vicki. And now that I've done that, I'll move immediately back to discussing how totally hateful a person she is, like when she all but shrugs after hearing about Shannon's vow renewal because it just kills her that she wasn't invited, though it doesn't kill her enough to take ownership for the fact that she and her scuzzy boyfriend were the ones to piss all over the friendship with urine that smelled as rotten as Brooks' original teeth looked.
Intelligent enough to be nowhere near Vicki and Kelly, Heather is celebrating a date night with her very busy husband. Unfortunately, Terry has been away so often for work that his kids are now overtly commenting on his very frequent absences. (That picture his kid sent him of an empty chair was brutal -- and effective as hell.) Seems the guilt trip worked; Terry proclaims he will no longer work on weekends. It's an announcement Heather loves hearing, but it's also one she's not ready to believe until she sees his priorities actually change.
Back at the home Merv Griffin probably would have leveled had he known these women would one day enter it, Kelly wants to know how Heather feels about her. Um, she thinks you're a damaged asshole, Kelly! How could she feel any other way? Seriously, questions like Kelly's infuriate me. If you act like a piece of shit, accept that people will begin to think you're a piece of shit. It's just fucking logic! Tamra's response to the question, however, differs from my response. "She doesn't hate you," she begins. But then Tamra laughs as Kelly impersonates Heather and her mannerisms and doesn't lean forward and knock the woman's fucking teeth out when she maintains that Heather had no right to tell her to leave after she told Shannon to "Shut the fuck up" and called Tamra a "dumb fuck." Listen, very little in this life annoys me more than a lack of loyalty and Tamra manages to prove time and time again that loyalty is one thing the Lord can't seem to bless her with. She does tell Kelly to reach out again to try to resolve things with Heather, but most of that request is due to an upcoming trip she's planned that both Heather and Kelly are attending, not any real desire to protect her true friend from this nasty shrew. As for Heather, she received an apology text from Kelly after the sushi dinner fro hell. The message came complete with a tongue emoji and a promise that Kelly will never misbehave again. Knowing she's dealing with a bonafide lunatic who can't possibly keep such a promise and having no desire to see whatever emoji Kelly might choose to send next, Heather did not even respond. Perhaps she would have written back had she heard that Kelly told Tamra, "I'm the bigger person!" if only to inform Kelly that she desperately needs medication -- and fast.
Into Vicki's birthday dinner walks her son, Michael, and maybe I misread the look that crossed Kelly's face, but I'm pretty sure it was one of unbridled lust. Whatever happens, I just hope Michael knows she doesn't suck dick for cash, that she will always and forever be the better person, and that she's an AMAZING mother. Ryan, Brianna's husband, arrives next and she and her sons are thrilled to see him. It's a nice thing to see and I shall hold on to that image rather than the memory of Vicki and Kelly gripping one another and whispering that all that really matters in this world is family.
Over in Mexico, Shannon and David are having the time of their lives. She flashes him her tits, he films her with a shaky camera, the wind whips around wildly, and they are blissfully far away from all the nonsense. I think they should immediately build a mansion on that beach, send for their kids, order more distilled water for Shannon's nasal cavity on Amazon, fly in Dr. Moon biweekly, and never return to the shores haunted by Kelly, who looks more like the Loch Ness Monster every time I glance at her face.
Speaking of this idiot, Vicki relays that Heather is apparently nervous to bring her young son around Kelly during Eddie's upcoming birthday trip since she has no idea what terrible profanity Kelly might spew into his impressionable young ears. How DARE Heather imply that she would speak poorly around a child? Has she not announced every fifteen minutes that she's an excellent mother? So WHAT that she's stunned these seasoned women silent each and every time they've been coerced into being in her presence? God, Heather is such a bitch, huh? At some point during Vicki's interminable birthday weekend, Tamra calls Heather to explain what's been said. During the call, Heather makes sure to explain she's not mad at Kelly. Rather, she's horrified by her behavior and anyone who's not (Vicki) is simply grateful Kelly's disgusting actions are momentarily taking the spotlight. In any case, Tamra suggests she, Kelly, and Heather get lunch together before Eddie's birthday. Heather agrees. Kelly, however, is still sitting beside Merv Griffin's pool and still raging about how crazy it is for Heather to think she has rage issues after all she's shown her is that she's a person made out of rage and bad hair. I hate this motherfucker -- and I can say that because Heather's son is clear across the country.
At some point, Meghan shows up to make nice for Vicki's birthday. My guess is she'd never go had cameras not been there, but there are lenses a'plenty and she's in a good mood because she thinks she's already pregnant. Besides, anything is better than being ignored by her husband for an entire afternoon.
Back in Orange County, Heather shows up for a moonlit summit with Tamra and Kelly. Kelly arrives last and she's wearing a fedora (I'm not even going to bother writing a punchline) and she orders a Pellegrino to keep her wits about her and to refrain from calling Heather a twat. Heather finally speaks and tells her the screaming and vulgarity at the sushi dinner stunned her and made her want to leave. This might be where Kelly should once again blame her rage issues or trot out that incident when she was in the fourth grade and someone forgot to pick her up at school and thereby caused her to become psychotic. It does not go that way, however. Why? Because Kelly is a fucking insane person, that's why! Sure, first she responds that she's ashamed by her behavior at that dinner -- but then she makes sure to tell Heather it wasn't her place to tell her to leave. Not only that! Can Heather even IMAGINE how hurtful it was to hear that Kelly's presence around Heather's son concerns her? Are the tears dripping from Kelly's eyes enough to confirm that she IS a good person, even for tweens? How is it possible that she became a Real Housewife, called someone a cunt over dinner, and now someone has the gall to question her INTEGRITY? Life is so unfair, you guys, even for a wonderful mother who is a multimillionaire. But Kelly swears things will be different moving forward -- and if you believe that, allow me to sing you a song I wrote about the many blessings Vicki Gunvalson brings to this world while Jimmy Edmonds accompanies me on his recorder.