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Are You the One?

"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODE 4 -- ISN'T IT ROMANTICAL?

"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODE 4 -- ISN'T IT ROMANTICAL?

I realize, of course, that very few people are drawn to Are You the One? because of the mathematical strategies that must be employed for twenty-two people to have a shot at splitting a million dollars, but for those who are interested, the statistics at this point are as follows:

•    3 beams of light were nabbed in 2 consecutive ceremonies.

•    0 matches were made from 2 sojourns into the Truth Booth.

•    1 guy received head from Kenya during a luau.

•    1 girl named Lauren has received approximately 36 seconds of screen time.

•    7 blowups have gone down courtesy of Bria and 4 of them required she be physically restrained.

•    And the number of women still convinced something real and true exists beneath Zak’s staggering and smelly layers of douchiness? Well, that number would probably measure somewhere near infinity.


"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODE 3 -- THE SPECIFIC OCEAN

"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODE 3 -- THE SPECIFIC OCEAN

A sweet reader of my recaps remarked last week that Bria’s crazed behavior — you know, the kind she exhibited each of the five times she flew into a rage during the premiere episode because a guy she’d known for all of forty-eight hours was speaking with other girls during a DATING SHOW — would lead to producers tossing her from the villa for good. There’s a true sense of logic behind that kind of rational mindset, but my response was that I guessed that not only would Bria never be thrown off this show, but she would instead become the newest face of MTV and eventually appear on every single one of the network’s shows. The girl has chosen to present herself as an unstable hellion who experiences only the briefest pangs of retrospective regret and that, of course, means two things: 1) She is a casting director’s fever dream come true and 2) Anyone who questions if this girl should be anywhere but on a therapist’s couch is someone I would probably choose as a lifelong friend.

"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODES 1 & 2 -- THE WRATH OF BRIA

"ARE YOU THE ONE?" EPISODES 1 & 2 -- THE WRATH OF BRIA

Are You the One? is back for another season, and if you thought there couldn’t possibly be enough people willing to brawl on national television while ostensibly searching for an MTV-sanctioned soul mate, well, you clearly have no idea how much pocket money can be earned shilling teas that will cause you to shit out your spleen on Instagram. But there’s no denying this show is poppy escapism, so let’s just go ahead and pretend.  Let’s pretend the participants are truly invested in finding love and not in parlaying their appearances into careers in the Reality Arts. Let’s pretend being followed by cameras is totally conducive to forming healthy relationships. And let’s also pretend a few of these contestants will feel just a teensy bit of internal shame for what we’ll all eventually be exposed to when they stumble into a location actually named “The Boom-Boom Room.”