When last we saw these grown women, they were decked out in sequins and strange necklines and discussing incredibly private matters while being filmed by cameras. The battle royale about Carole dating Adam is still going strong tonight and leading the charge against the relationship like she’s a born-again suffragette who likes wearing turquoise, taking moonlit walks on the beach, and shaming other women is Luann.  I do not understand Luann’s behavior.  Does she not realize that the demise of Carole and Adam’s relationship could lead to the vegan cookbook they collaborated on (she wrote the text and he prepared things made entirely of kale) never seeing the light of day?  Can Luann not even imagine the scenario where she performs her hit songs at signings for that cookbook atop a stage made entirely out of heaps of quinoa?  Do they not teach “Thinking Ahead” in Countess Class or was it on the curriculum but Luann missed that lecture because she was banging a twenty-three year old in the bathroom?

At any rate, Carole insists that she would have walked away from Adam if Luann had made her concerns known initially, but Luann never said a thing because she thought that the two of them spooning on her couch was cute – until she didn’t.  And now that she no longer sees their canoodling as precious, Luann would like to decree the relationship over, Adam to become headless and bound forever to her niece, and Carole dead.  Carole, for her part, thinks Luann is a lying moron who fights her battles on social media and she maintains that she can no longer slink her tiny frame into the back of a cab without the driver mentioning that Luann posted on Twitter that Carole is an aged whore.  

I’m imagining that we’ll be getting back to the Luann/Carole tussle a bit later because this reunion is three parts and it was filmed before the information came out that Fedora Josh used his actual home billing address to pay for his Ashley Madison account so it’s not like Andy Cohen feels the need to spend all that much time on Kristen or the severe part in her hair.  That said, I cannot help but wonder if this cheating scenario will suddenly make the higher-ups at Bravo view Kristen as somewhat interesting all of a sudden.  Kristen’s douchebag of a husband’s extracurricular activities might just be the very thing that buys his wife a stay of execution on this show.  After all, just imagine the simmering conflict that could be televised next season if Kristen is still around!  She can be the Shannon Beador of NYC, only she won’t have the mansion or the alcoholism.  But her nails will always have a pop of color!

Since Kristen’s marriage is not a discussion point, Andy segues instead into a reel of Dorinda’s greatest moments and that means we watch her as she is pawed by her boyfriend, chats with her daughter and her daughter’s eyebrows, and proves that she has both a funny and a crazy side which is precisely why I kind of like her.  Unfortunately, my slight affinity aside, I do have some issues with Dorinda.  Like, she’s friends with Ramona – on purpose.  She also defends her boyfriend for groping Kristen with way more anger and bitterness than seems necessary since Kristen never filed a restraining order against the guy or started a MoveOn campaign to keep John from ever touching any woman’s leather-clad ass ever again.  I think that Dorinda needs to relax on this one, but it’s Bethenny who needs to relax in general.  To paraphrase the woman herself, she is all up in everybody’s jock.  She can’t stop muttering commentary in the exact manner that she wanted to muzzle Heather for doing.  Here’s some of what she couldn’t stop herself from saying about Dorinda’s life:  

“Dorinda’s a smart cookie.”  

“You’re having fun and you guys love each other.”

“You need to be happy and I agree with that.”

None of what she says is negative or even incorrect, but I think we can all agree that had Heather said any of those sentences at any of those moments, Bethenny would have rolled her eyes with such force that they would have gone flying out of her head and careened across the room whereupon one of Sonja’s interns would have picked them up and brainstormed about how they might best be used as accessories in his mistress’ next fashion show before deciding that they should be juggled during the intermission while the models change outfits.

Unfortunately, before the fashion show that will change how we as humans view clothing and eyeballs can transpire, there’s still a reunion to slog through and it turns out that Heather and Dorinda have recently had a spectacular falling out and it all transpired over Twitter, once again proving that these women are determined to relive the very pre-adolescent angst most of us choose to repress.  Dorinda ripped Heather to shreds about walking away from her at a restaurant and basically says that Heather used her for her swimming pool.  It’s really all very confusing, but it pretty much comes down to the fact that these women have decided to hate each other for stupid shit that went down on the show and for even stupider shit that didn’t happen on the show but they are both willing to try to be friends again after verbally decimating one another for five minutes straight and it’s nice to know that true friendship can persevere.

Then the Man Montage begins and we are treated to watching  Sonja eye-fuck boys on the dance floor while Ramona get her manic groove on as she stands against a bar and Luann accompanying some guy into the bathroom.  The segment basically ends with Ramona contemplating how best to sell her spiking libido on eBay under the tag “My Vag’s New Beginning.”  Please excuse me for a moment while I go delete my PayPal account so I’m not tempted to bid on it later.

As the discussion rolls on via questions from viewers, we learn that Carole has never gone down on a woman in real life like she did in a dream; Bethenny thinks Luann is now the Anti-Countess and should title her new book (wait…Luann has another book?!) The Cool Countess; Ramona believes she is approachable and that’s why she is swimming through gonads; and nobody actually believes that Ramona is not swinging naked from chandeliers in her off-time.  And speaking of Ramona, the next segment is all about whether Ramona is different now as she has so staunchly claimed to be while behaving exactly the same way she always has.

We start with a bunch a of footage of Ramona looking sad about the loss of her marriage and it’s all weirdly juxtaposed with images of Reunion Ramona and her newly-tightened eyes watching the events transpire with a weird smile on her lips.  It actually offends me – and shame on me for even allowing that reaction within myself – that the footage of Ramona’s insane behavior ends and she reacts to it with a laugh and a plug for both her book and her new tits.  I will not be buying either.  Less clear is whether or not Andy Cohen is buying the validity of Ramona’s apology about stonewalling him at the last reunion by refusing to discuss her blown-to-smithereens marriage after spending years brandishing it all over the show.  She had reasons for not wanting to discuss Mario’s affair last season – they were trying to work through it, etc. – but she goes into detail about it all in her book so perhaps someone out there will tell me what she said because I would rather read a book by Ann Coulter than Ramona Singer.

As far as busting Mario with another woman in their home – an experience nobody should ever have to endure – Ramona will allow that she walked in and found the chick in her kitchen. Luann, who has never liked Mario, believes the guy lost his mind and went spiraling into a male form of menopause, an epidemic that terrifies Sir Andy so greatly that he begins checking his armpits immediately for signs of hot flashes.  And listen, all of this is fascinating, but what’s most fascinating on a rather dull reunion is that everybody shuts his or her fucking mouth every time Bethenny opens hers.  There is an almost reverential silence as Bethenny gets to expound on Ramona’s bullshit apologies and Dorinda’s relationship and what the font size should be on the Countess’ next book cover.  The whole thing is bizarre.  Ladies, Bethenny is just like you.  She too is a woman willing to expose her life in the name of attention and a paycheck.  Stop worshipping at her slender feet and jump in because her talk show was cancelled and I feel like I’m watching it again and it feels like a very sequiny version of Groundhog Day and if Bill Murray doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to kick a wall and I will do so while wearing one of the dresses Ramona stole from Bethenny.

During the commercial interlude, Ramona checks Andy’s watch, decides it’s snack time, and demands either nuts or some chicken. She is served neither nuts nor fowl because they are on a deadline and they only have twenty-three hours to film this reunion.

In the final segment of the night, most of the women sluggishly raise their hands to agree that Ramona has at least changed a little bit – though perhaps the real question should have been how has she changed – but Bethenny is not allowing her to dance jerkily through the anemic adoration.  No, she would like Ramona to know that she still has a very nasty side and she has said many untrue and hurtful things over the years about all of the women and she lied and said that Bethenny was a cheater.  And see, Bethenny is apparently not who Ramona should be fucking with and it’s not because Bethenny has way more money than Ramona or because Bethenny might be able to attend the upcoming Modern Family premiere without having to blow an usher.  Instead, Ramona should know that Bethenny “knows where all the bodies are buried,” to which I say:  Quick!  Someone get this woman a shovel, get Ramona some chicken, and for the love of all that is holy, get me a fucking drink.