There are some beliefs I will simply never abandon:

1. Just because you are good and decent to someone does not mean that you will receive the same kindness in return.

2. With the availability of so many choices in undergarments, there is absolutely no excuse anymore for having a visible panty line.

3. Coconut oil can be brought in to solve almost any beauty crisis known to man.

4. The most monumental events deserve a party – and every good party should have a theme.

It was with these undeniable certainties splashing around my head that the idea came to me: I should throw a party to commemorate the last episode of Vanderpump Rules! I got to work immediately. A multitasker by nature, I prepared for the festivities by swishing coconut oil inside of my mouth for ten minutes straight all the while wearing a nude-colored thong that will not show through a single garment I own.  As the disgusting mixture cleaning my teeth began to froth and foam, I made some choices about party details:

o Obviously, the invitation will begin with a wardrobe decree.  All of my guests must show up in a crop top or they will not be permitted through the front door – and I don’t even care if that means I will lose out on a few hostess gifts.  These crop tops are the only way I see fit to appropriately honor Scheana and I’ll be damned if anyone shows up with a fully covered tummy!

o I think it’s always a nice touch to serve a signature cocktail.  The one I’ll be offering up will have a ring of crushed Adderall lining the rim of the glass because if you think the cast of this show is not constantly hyped up on that shit – or something even whiter – you too are high.

o Music always creates a vibe and I shall spin James’ PUMP CD on repeat.  Not only will this choice be a lovely way to recognize what James has called the greatest achievement in his pathetic life, but it will also guarantee that I’ll get rid of all of my guests at a decent hour because my assumption is that some of them will hightail it off the premises to get away from that noise and a few will even fake their own deaths just to get me to press mute for a second.

o As for the décor, I will obviously have humongous posters of Scheana festooned across my walls so we can all feel for a moment what it’s like to be stuck in her living room. See, I am a hostess who wants to craft not just a party, but an experience.

o I’ll be serving appetizers and desserts.  Though some think they’re gauche, pigs n’ a blanket are coming out of my kitchen along with fried goat cheese balls, the only item on SUR’s menu I’ve ever heard mentioned.  For dessert, there will be a cake in the shape of Lala’s tits because the poetry that falls from the lips of our favorite fun bitch is always worth paying attention to and she did, after all, recently opine that every occasion is appropriate for her tits to come out. I think that means her mammaries should thus be immortalized in buttercream.

o The gift bags I’ll hand out to my startled guests as they stampede their way out the door will be stuffed with cookies in the shape of dildos so Stassi won’t feel left out.  There will also be a tee from Kristen’s wildly successful fashion line that can be burned to smithereens on a night when you feel a little chilly and you're out of more traditional forms of kindling.

o While the party is underway, I will be very busy.  A hostess’ work is never done, so I will ensure everyone has both a drink and a wad of gauze to stop their ears from bleeding due to the music.  I figure the triage unit will enter the place somewhere around midnight to mop up the blood that was shed when several partygoers shoved the toothpicks from the pigs n’ blankets clear into their ear canal so they could spontaneously go deaf.  I’ll use that diversion to steal all of my guests’ sunglasses from their purses because doing such a thing will make me feel close to Jax and a proximity to a douchebag is all I really crave in life.

o Candles will be lit and they will illuminate the room in a gorgeous and flattering glow that will make it look like we all just got Botox.  The scent of the candles are meant to highlight what this party is all about, so I shunned vanilla candles and I turned away from the smell of lemon verbena.  No, the candles I purchased will stink of pure desperation.  They were on sale at Bath and Body Works.  Go buy some today!

o Make your peace now with the fact that nobody at the party will get laid.  Our collective celibacy will be carried out as a way to pay homage to Katie and Schwartz’s relationship because friends support one another tirelessly.

o And while entrance to the party will be by invitation only, I have secured an extra twelve bottles of wine because I’m imagining Kristen will show up precisely because she was not invited.  As I loathe wearing the same outfit as anyone else, I will not be donning a crop top for the evening, but I will also refrain from wearing my green dress with the plunging neckline just in case Kristen wears hers too because she decided it would be nice to get it out of the house for a reason other than to wear it while casually going to pick up her mail from her ex-boyfriend’s apartment. After all, nothing says “I’m over you” better than flaunting your nipples to someone who recently decided that you are the single worst thing to ever happen to him in all of his years on this sprawling planet. 

Sure, I have a bit of party planning anxiety, but I know that celebrating part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion is something that should – nay, something that must – be done.  Now please excuse me while I go put on a hideous statement necklace and light the candles so the festivities can begin!

What is left to even to talk about anymore on this reunion?  I mean, we've covered the fact that James is a doofus who fancies himself a musical genius and we know that Jax wants to punch the guy's face in. It's been confirmed that Kristen shuns dignity like I shun eel and that Stassi is clearly back because she goes where the cameras are. It's pretty evident Ariana barely tolerates most of this crew and that there's no limit on the bullshit Sandoval and Schwartz will accept from their friends. With all this already made clear, what else are we possibly in for as I serve my Adderalltinis? Are the locusts coming?

The swarm of plague-y beasts will have to wait because we begin tonight with Andy asking Lisa about Stassi's sex tape. Lisa explains that she felt protective of Stassi because of the embarrassment she must have felt that footage of her and a dildo were making the rounds at SUR, and she did a kind thing by paying off the dickhead who was all but trying to extort the girl. Unfortunately, Stassi is not fully grateful. No, she would have preferred Lisa had whipped up a contract and hired a notary and made the guy pinky swear that the images would never see the light of day. 

Moving on to a far less palatable subject than a gross invasion of privacy, Andy would like to question James about the time he told his boss that Lala was munching out some guy's asshole. (I think the opportunity for this show to ever win a Peabody Award has officially been demolished.) At any rate, the rimjob was brought up because James was annoyed Lala wasn't tonguing his asshole for the evening – and because the guy is a prick in general. Seriously, if White Kanye could have internalized anything from Real Kanye, it should have been that there are men out there who do not appreciate the public knowing that they like tongues and fingers creeping towards their sphincters. All I could think about while watching this segment was, yes, we clearly needed a third part to this reunion because none of us would have been able to properly function without hearing about the revolting jealousy Lala and James, two total cretins, harbor for one another, a jealousy that sometimes manifests with comments about ass licking and condoms that slip right off a slender winky.

Moving on to Pucker & Pout – the style blog Katie launched – she's still grossed out that James showed up uninvited so he could berate Kristen for not wanting to be with him, at least for that evening when she'd momentarily snagged somebody better. Truly, the bile-spewing vitriol James unleashes on women who shun his advances is diabolical and the guy needs severe therapy where he can discuss his childhood.  Then he needs to be kicked hard in the testicles by a group of feminists who have had enough of this loser's misogyny.

As for why Stassi reached out to Schwartz in an effort to mend her friendship with the girl she gleefully ditched last year, she knew he would be levelheaded about things. Jax applauds how Schwartz handled the whole thing and this might be the one time I have ever agreed with Jax about anything because Schwartz handled that meeting like a pro. He was honest and he didn't let Stassi off the hook for her deplorable treatment of a friend and I'd be really happy for all of them had a single one of these incidents not transpired during production because all I can walk away with as a bystander is that Stassi missed infamy far more than she's ever missed a friendship.

Also: Stassi claims she's not at all calculating. Since it's apparently Opposite Day, I'd like to declare that I'm a virgin.

On to the reconnection between Scheana and Stassi! It was at Lala's party that they made amends, when Scheana gazed deeply into Stassi's dead eyes and could have sworn she saw a mist of regret covering her corneas. But – shockingly – after the season wrapped, Stassi no longer wanted to hang out with Scheana! "That's so weird!" – declared nobody who has been paying even a bit of attention. But things are on the upswing between them, and I'm sure their newfound closeness has nothing to do with the fact that the reunion was looming ahead of them and Stassi wanted to secure some allies. After all, the girl is not at all calculating! I'm sure she just finally realized that Scheana is a true gem and that she's so very lucky to have her. 

As for why James was fired – one of the many times he was canned – from PUMP, he claims Kristen provoked him with her very presence. "I don't even want to be in the same state as him," replies the woman who will undoubtedly bring about the end of civilization due to her horribleness. But when Sandoval asks why she'd then show up at the guy's workplace instead of hitting up one of the other six zillion bars in Los Angeles, she just rolls her eyes while internally tingling that the guy is looking at her, even if it's only for an instant and the look is screaming of pure pity.

Ariana gets dragged into the fray next when Andy asks her about the harsh words she had about Kristen's foray into the world of sketch comedy. I mean, Kristen attempting to pull off behaving like a human lady is a sketch comic piece all on its own, and I'll agree that Ariana came off as supremely uptight and humorless about the whole thing. But the truth is that Ariana hates Kristen and she has every reason to hate her and Kristen is so disgraceful a person that she has ruined her chances of anyone normal ever choosing to root for her success. That's a bold statement to make – and I stand by it proudly.

Moving on to more joy, it's time to revisit the time Katie got so smashed on tequila that she decided to verbally assault her fiancé via text. She's not proud of her behavior, but she would like Schwartz to figure out a better way to diffuse her burgeoning fury than by yelling at her or disagreeing with her or trying to speak words of sense while the alcohol races like a blind bullet through her bloodstream. Scheana's figured out a way to deal with Tequila Katie! Just hug her! That kind of human physical contact is something Sober Katie is not all that used to and it works in calming her the fuck down. 

Also: the fact that Ariana doesn't want to be part of a "groupthink" with this particular group makes me want to start a religion in her honor. We will spend the high holy days gazing at others with a sneer on our faces and we will study old tapes from Second City instead of studying the bible. Obviously, Kristen will be the personified face of the antichrist and we will hold hands and chant once an hour that we never have to encounter her in the flesh. Sign me up! I'm about to be born again!

Okay, now it's time to revisit the time Jax actually announced out loud – with cameras pointed at his stupid face – that he's "the number one guy in this group." I'm laughing already just typing this because what fucking adult says or thinks such a thing? Well, Jax does. Anyway, he's sorry about it which means we should add that "whoops" to the list of other things he pretends to feel shitty about: lying to every person he's ever met who has a vagina, stealing sunglasses, shitting on camera with the bathroom door open, getting the names of eighteen girls tattooed across his bicep, and existing in the first place.

The next segment is all about the reconciliation of Stassi and Katie that finally occurred in Palm Springs. Katie wanted answers about why she was thrown away like trash by someone who had been her best friend. She wanted to know that Stassi had humility about the situation and that she was truly sorry. And Stassi clearly was sorry – she even shed tears! – and it's just a coincidence that she was finally able to apologize once the cameras started rolling again.

There seem to be a lot of coincidences on this show, no?

Now let's revisit the real crazy. Let's talk about the night Kristen met up with James, the one that ended with them fucking on the hood of some car. (Please, God, do not let it have been my car!) See, Kristen – she of the marathon therapy sessions that have done shit for her sanity – wanted to fix the poor guy. First, this troll-like being can’t be fixed. Second, a lunatic makes a terrible role model. Third, Kristen was dating someone else at the time so this is just another example of her cheating. Fourth, both of these people are so awesomely horrifying that I'm convinced they were placed on this hemisphere to wander around and scare the shit out of all of us. I hate these two.  I hate them more than I've ever hated anyone I've met in real life – and I've known some world-class assholes.

Staying with the theme of assholes, Andy asks Lisa how she felt when Kristen and Stassi both tromped across her beautiful lawn when they showed up uninvited for Katie's engagement party. I think we're all supposed to pretend that Lisa Vanderpump, an executive producer of this show, was actually shocked by this turn of events and, to be a sport, I'll pretend to play along with that kind of idiotic scenario. Anyway, Lisa maintains that she could have kicked them out but it was Katie's day. Besides, Kristen needed to make a speech and Lala needed to break in and shut her up because nobody else had the balls to try to quiet the crazy lady. But let's not blame Lala for that – it was a combination of booze and anxiety that made the act of listening to a rambling speech pure fucking torture. That said, I do not suffer from anxiety and I was stone cold sober and I too just wanted Kristen to shut up. Look! The fun bitch and I have something in common besides nice tits!

I think my commonalities with Lala end there, though. I'd never shove the shit out of some chick at a party the way Lala did to Kristen, but hey – at least she apologized for it. Kristen, having grown in imaginary leaps and bounds this season, accepts the apology and reminds herself to go home and put more bronzer on her Lala voodoo doll because the real magic will only happen if the doll looks exactly like the real girl.

It wasn't alcohol that made James behave so atrociously that night. No, he blames his actions on weed, a drug we all know makes people act out violently.  Jax has some words of advice here for the only man on that stage who makes him look somewhat decent in comparison. He wants James to know that he needs to be nicer to women and to behave in a more mature fashion and it's more than good advice, but coming from Jax, all it comes across as is tragic in its irony. Does James take the advice from his elder statesman of douchebaggery? He does not. He knows that the only thing that motivates Jax to hate him is rabid jealousy. That's right – Jax is so consumed with envy because of James' undeniable talent and low-cut tank top style and fleeting youth and that's the root of the issue, not James' nonsensical behavior. Watching this dumbass speak just caused sixteen of my guests to run fleeing from my party into that dark night. I can't really blame them and I'd like to publicly apologize right now for stealing their sunglasses earlier in the evening.

I – of course – blame the weed.

And so we have come to a wrap on this season and I think the salty water falling down my cheeks must be huge tears of gratitude that it's blessedly over. Thank you for joining me on this journey of bland debauchery! I'll continue to be on Reality Steve's site with recaps of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I'll be back for The Real Housewives of Orange County so I can react to Vicki Gunvalson comparing herself to Jesus. I’ll also be recapping Kendra On Top (yes, it’s still on!) for Trash Talk TV starting this week. But in the meantime, can somebody please call the police and send them over to my house? The party ended and Kristen won't leave.


Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York.  She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle.