Where last we left him, Rick was sitting beside a smoldering fire watching footage of his girlfriend of four years getting slammed by a man she’s known for four days. So what I’m saying here is that no matter how bad your week has been, Rick’s has probably been worse. But as he watches KB and Ashley writhe around under the covers, he holds it together like a champ. He does not cry. He does not scream. He does not fall to his knees to begin gathering blades of grass and small rocks and twigs that he can fashion into an Ashley voodoo doll. Instead, he informs Mark he’s not sure his relationship can recover from this, and my presumption is that any clinically normal viewer would agree with him.
“What she expected of me, she did. My heart is broken,” Rick admits. He’s calm, but maybe he’s still in shock. It’s not Rick’s behavior, however, that’s confusing me here; it’s Ashley’s. First she huddles beneath a blanket back at the villa. The retreating part I get, especially if it involves the act of building your very own mini fort, but wouldn’t you go to your bedroom to isolate yourself rather than sit poolside in front of a crowd? Could it be that what Ashley really craves is attention? And look! She gets that attention! She is drawn out of her cotton duvet hiding place to discuss her feelings with KB, and while open discussions are certainly healthy, try as I fucking might, I do not buy a single word this guy says. I think he’s someone who values being smooth over being honest, but then again, he did sign up for Temptation Island. He did already nail this girl without having to exert a whole lot of effort. I suppose it therefore makes sense for him to want Ashley to regroup as quickly as possible so they can get back to the banging, a.k.a.: the real reason KB is on that island in the first place. And while the possibility exists that I could be reading this guy all wrong, I’m pretty sure I’m A) Not wrong and B) Feeling exactly the way production wants me to feel about him.
Ashley finds some solace in KB’s hollow words, but Other Ashley is having a rough night. She cries in bed as Kate listens and tries to be there for her. This girl is simply terrified of losing her boyfriend. I understand that fear, but I also think we are being shown so much of Ashley H.’s insecurity that it’s bound to be a bit of a misdirection. I think Ashley H. is going to fall so far into her dungeon of dread that she will eventually have no choice but to clamor back up to the light for survival, and once she realizes she can survive by her wits and her tits, she will realize her worth and start playing the tropical field. But that moment of strength is not quite here yet. Right now she feels a rush of anxiety and a tsunami of worthlessness, and a new female friend is there for her, saying the important things like how Ashley should never value someone more than she values herself. Kate, who sees herself as kind of a big sister to Ashley, is the hero of this scene. She acknowledges how Ashley feels and then tells her to embrace more perspective. It reminds me of how I called my own best friend two years ago after I ate an entire strawberry shortcake and she told me that what I did was not exactly a wise choice, but perhaps it had more to do with upcoming stressful events in my life than me settling into a new behavioral pattern governed by consuming several pounds of sugar, flour, and butter in one sitting. My point is, sometimes friends make the points you need to hear right when you need to hear them. My other point is, I really miss cake.
Esonica, though far more calm right now than either Ashley, is still bothered that she saw footage of Gavin finally opening up in the way she’s always wanted him to do – except he’s opening up to some other girl about the pieces of Esonica’s personality he doesn’t particularly like. Kareem asks if she’s ready to move on from a guy who treats her with disrespect, but Esonica isn’t sure. Something tells me she will not end the night in a bed straddling Kareem just so she can pretend to locate an easy answer to a tough question.
Over at the guys’ villa, I am…how shall I say this…disturbed by the choices of some of the female temptresses. I don’t know, ladies. Is there no other way to have fun than by twerking in a train and feeding a man and dancing around him as though he’s the Sultan of fucking Brunei? I don’t expect these women to whip original copies of Betty Friedan books out of their suitcases – we all know that no reading is permitted on Temptation Island – but so much of what I see are girls fully objectifying themselves so they can emulate what they assume is the ideal male fantasy and I’m tired of watching this sort of shit. Thank goodness for Medinah. She’s not shimmying against a man’s dick so he can feel important; she is sitting outside with Rick where it’s quiet and she’s trying to ascertain what exactly happened at the Bonfire, because something obviously did. Rick doesn’t confide what he saw, but he thanks her for being next to him and showing him some real concern.
The next morning, Dave spends a little time with Toneata, a woman who maybe has the most exquisite set of chompers I have ever seen. Seriously, you guys: they are perfectly straight and iridescent pearly white, and if it doesn’t work out for her as a professional Temptress, she should get herself a job as the Tooth Fairy. I’m sure my Tooth Fairy has retired by now; Toneata can totally take her place. I don’t know if Dave has a tooth fetish or not, but he would like to get to know Toneata better. But Dave also likes Samantha. Samantha, you see, has the very original qualities of being chill and also being able to have fun. Shoot for the fucking moon, Dave! Samantha thinks Dave is great, but she’s also not the type to fight over him, especially in a house filled with cameras and eleven other twerking women who are battling for four men and as much screen time as they can possibly swallow.
Over at the other villa, both Ashleys seem a little happier as they thoroughly enjoy the view of the men working out in front of them. Out on the driveway, Aden – who is quite cute – makes sure Kate understands that she is a catch and she shouldn’t settle for a guy who only makes her see her own worth when it’s convenient for him to do so. Then they play a little football together and it’s all kinds of adorable. But the person I find most adorable right now is Esonica. Maybe it’s because it bothers her that Gavin has never shown interest in her culture, and that’s a real thing to be upset by. Maybe it’s because it looks as though she’s getting more introspective. Maybe it’s that she’s starting to get a knowing look in her eyes that hints she’s about to snag herself someone who actually deserves her instead of a man willing to drag her to an island filled with people dying to break up their relationship. Maybe it’s that she looks a little like Rihanna and I kind of love Rihanna. Whatever it is, I’m hoping Esonica leaves Hawaii with a man who wouldn’t so much as suggest that cheating is the best way to save their relationship.
With things going perhaps too swimmingly on this sun-splashed morning, Mark shows up to tell the women that, should they choose, they can eliminate one of the male Tempters. It’s almost noon, y’all. Nobody has had his or her dignity crushed like a vice yet, and that has got to change so we can head to a commercial on a mini cliffhanger! Now, I’d say this moment is dramatic and I think producers want it to be, but we don’t actually know many of these guys yet and waving goodbye to any of them won’t make much of an impact unless that person is KB, because you know those size thirteen feet would make quite the exit. It’s not KB, though. Some man named Alex is given the boot, and I’m relatively certain we haven’t so much as heard him say a single syllable – and now we never will. The same kind of thing happens when the men eliminate a Tempter. They say bye to a Samantha, who I think might be a different Samantha than the Samantha who was flirting with Dave earlier, but as I’m already very busy trying to keep track of Ashleys, I cannot commit to deciphering Samanthas and, thanks to the guys’ decision, I won’t even have to try.
To celebrate being one woman down, a luau is thrown that night – you know, so everyone can make a joke about getting leid and so the girls can once again dance around for the men’s pleasure. Dave feels like he’s forming connections with three of the women, and I really hope one of Kate’s superpowers is not that she can read Dave’s thoughts because this particular thought of his could potentially kill her. Dave’s interested in the remaining Samantha, Kari, and Toneata. Rick, however, feels a bit annoyed with the way Medinah is beginning to behave. She’s acting aggressively, and he is not about that right now, not when he’s still thinking about his girlfriend. As Rick explains to Medinah – and as symbolic red flags begin flapping wildly against the horizon – he doesn’t really talk about his feelings, certainly not as he’s feeling them. He would prefer to walk away from a woman treading water in a swimming pool than discuss the betrayal he just watched and the ways those images are now gnawing on whatever is left of his soul.
There are no flower leis at the girls’ villa, but the mood is still festive. Ashley H. has decided Casey is just trying to have himself a pleasant time and she should do the same! That’s why she tosses on a thong bikini and dances beside the swimming pool. And it’s here I realize that it’s not just the women at the other house who think the best possible way to flirt is to literally grind on someone’s lap. The men think the same thing and there are lap dances aplenty. But some concerns begin to settle inside of Ashley’s head. She’s concerned she’s giving Deac and his deac the wrong idea. I’d say her simply being on this show is probably giving Deac that very idea, but the real story seems to be that Deac reminds Ashley of her boyfriend. She is so used to searching for Casey’s eyes across a room, she is almost unable to stop herself from engaging in the same behavior, even if he’s not actually around. Deac is playing the Approval Barometer Understudy role for Ashley right now – and Ben plays that role whenever Deac needs to shower or pee – but Ashley announces she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, which are famous last words you’re contractually obligated to say when your boat docks on Temptation Island.
As Ashley confides her deepest feelings to men who enjoy staring at her ass and then claim to just want to be her friend, Casey is in a kitchen wearing only an apron. The girls around him cheer because standing next to a stove with only a piece of cloth covering your scrotum is a huge accomplishment. Nothing says sexy like a pubic hair garnish, right? But Casey’s balls grazing all the utensils in that kitchen is probably less of an issue than what’s going on in the hot tub outside. See, it’s there Dave is enjoying a little neck massage given by Toneata, and the emotional fallout that will surely occur when Kate sees Dave’s look of turned-on joy will not be pretty. And when Kate watches Dave massage Toneata? Shit is going to go down, even though Dave politely asks Toneata not to back her ass up into his crotch. From the kitchen (where Casey is still rocking only an apron) the rest of the group watches these two basically straddling one another and eventually Toneata – who remember, is purely looking for true and forever love! – dangles her boobs over Dave’s face while Casey predicts that the two will fuck later that evening. This news of possible fucking really upsets Kari. If Dave is choosing to officially ditch his actual girlfriend for a relative stranger, shouldn’t that be the stranger he already went on an awkward date with? Yes, emotions are running high in The Land of the Fucking Ridiculous.
Also: Gavin has decided he wants to go on a date with Medinah.
Also: Medinah is not feeling Gavin because she’s into Rick.
Also: Rick is by himself on a lounge chair mourning the loss of a relationship he had going on for almost half a decade.
Also: Why would any Tempter, male or female, enter into a “relationship” with a person who feels nothing but guilt about having an interest in you?
What’s that? Rick feels absolutely no guilt now? Rick is open to dating all the women shimmying through the living room? And his lack of guilt has led him to become bold and thus inform Medinah that he likes her and all, but he also would like to fully embrace this experience, and that translates to him wanting to chat up anything with a vagina?
“I’m trying to be transparent with you,” Ricks tells Medina, and she responds by saying that she doesn’t want to look stupid, which is maybe the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard someone who willingly goes on Temptation Island say with a straight face. But even more idiotic is when Rick stands up, grabs Medinah’s face, TELLS HER TO SHUT UP, and kisses her – and she reads this shit as romance.
Also: Medinah turns to Rick after the grabbing and the “Shut up” and trills, “You like me a lot.”
Also: Is there any way a professor can raft her way onto that island and teach a quick unit of Women’s Studies? Please? And can that professor arrive before Rachel crosses her fingers and pleads to the heavens for Casey, a guy with a girlfriend, to ask her out on a date?
And now it’s time for yet another Bonfire and the women are worried. Ashley H. is worried she showed her finest asset (No silly! It’s not her kindness or her intelligence! Ashley thinks her finest asset is her ass!) to too many people and Casey could get mad. Ashley G. is still in love with Rick, but she knows here’s a chance she ruined things by fucking a stranger with a camera in the room. Kate is hoping her vulnerabilities will stay in check because she doesn’t want to act or feel like a victim anymore, and all I know is that Kate is about to see footage of a former Miss USA contestant dangling her nipples over Kate’s boyfriend in a hot tub, so acting like a victim might be okay for another second or two. Then I hope Kate acts like a badass and leaves this way-too-easily-tempted guy behind.
The women will get to the Bonfire eventually, but the men go first. Before they are forced to watch the most scandalous footage editors were able to compile on their girlfriends, Mark wants to know how the guys are doing. He appears pleased when Rick says he’s been acting in a more vulnerable way than he usually does. Perhaps if Mark knew Rick’s interpretation of vulnerability is grabbing a woman’s face and smiling while telling her to shut up, he wouldn’t be looking so proud right about now. With that problematic illustration of personal growth out of the way, it’s time for the men to see what their girlfriends have been up to recently. Gavin watches Esonica talk about how much her culture means to her and that Gavin has never inquired deeply about it. Gavin’s reaction is exactly the correct one: he feels guilty for having discounted her feelings and he would like to make things better in the future. Then it’s Dave’s turn. He watches his girlfriend confide to a handsome shirtless Aden that she doesn’t always feel valued by Dave, but that’s just how Dave is, okay? He doesn’t see why he should make it a priority to tell the woman who loves him that she too is adored. Besides, isn’t it really her fault for not instinctively knowing such a thing? Casey sees footage next, and though he looks like he’s dying inside when he watches Ashley shake her ass in the kitchen, he says she looks like she’s having all sorts of fun and isn’t that nice? That’s when Mark can’t take it anymore. That’s when he jumps in and asks the guys if they even realize the level of risk they’re dealing with here.
“Do you think any of those guys are going to fall in love with her?” he asks Casey – and this particular performance alone should earn Mark a sweet bonus. And that bonus should, of course, be doubled if he can get Casey to weep, right here and now.
“Just even thinking of it makes your heart beat really fast,” replies Casey.
Also: Has Casey really never considered the possibility that Ashley could fall in love with someone else while appearing on Temptation Island? Did he not watch last season? Is he seriously just dealing with this very obvious possibility for the first time right here next to a fucking bonfire?
Mark then announces that Rick must be thinking about how deeply in peril his relationship is and then he destroys the guy further by screening for him some footage of Ashley cooing to KB that he’s making it so easy for her to move on to “bigger and better things.” It’s not enough for Rick to be insecure about his heart. No, the producers would also like for him to worry over his dick size. (Sorry, “deac” size.) Rick’s reaction is a stunned sadness and a resignation that his girlfriend has moved on from him. That may not actually be fully true, but he’s still hurt enough to almost be speechless and Mark lets him know that he hurts for him as well. Rick walks away wondering if there’s anything left for him to salvage with Ashley and it’s this aspect of the show that I think is most damaging. Yes, there are half-dressed people dancing around constantly and there is the freedom from shit like work and obligations that allows the contestants to focus only on their own pleasure, but what’s really messed up here is that couples experiencing confusion and fear are not allowed to be near one another to work out their issues. Instead, they must see snippets of moments designed to play on their biggest insecurities and then sit with those feelings alongside well-hung strangers willing to offer comfort. That any relationship survives on this show is actually a fucking miracle.
When the women arrive, Ashley G. announces that she still loves Rick, but she knows they’ve now “provoked” one another, so who knows what will happen? My, if only there existed a way to stop oneself from provoking the person you love! In any case, Esonica is up first and she watches a woman decked out in crochet grind her ass against Gavin in the kitchen. Again in the kitchen! Is that room even fucking sterile anymore? Esonica is not too perturbed; she knows she’s a way better dancer than the crochet chick anyway. Then it’s Ashley G.’s turn and she is devastated – devastated! – watching the boyfriend she already cheated on kiss a girl quickly and then tell her to shut up. Those are the kinds of things Rick should be saying to her! She breaks into hyperventilating tears and she says she hopes Rick can forgive her, but she’s not at all sure she can forgive him. It’s an admission that is as fucked up as it is honest. She slept with another guy, her boyfriend had to see clips of it, yet she is the one who may not be able to forgive? Holy moral equivalency, Batman.
You’d think Ashley’s hysterics would be as bad as it gets for this particular Bonfire, but Kate and Ashley H. still have to watch naked boyfriends donning only an apron and straddling that occurs in a hot tub, so let’s get to it, shall we? Turns out there’s only time left this episode to crush Kate’s psyche and self-worth. She sees Toneata rubbing up on Dave and she notices that Dave does not pull away. Then she cries that Dave is not being respectful of her feelings, which are, incidentally, the very feelings he finds it so irritating to have to respond to anyway. Maybe this moment will be a turning point for Kate. Maybe she can gather her strength with the support of her new girlfriends and head back to that villa ready to find someone new, someone worthy of her.
And maybe Aden is still shirtless in the driveway.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Her Twitter is @nell_kalter