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massages

THE RELAXATION ROOM

THE RELAXATION ROOM

This summer, I’m going to take Tallulah for a long walk every single morning before it gets sweaty-hot outside. I should walk her down by the water and get a cup of coffee afterwards!  Wait:  the people at Starbucks won’t allow me to bring her inside and I’m not about to tie her to the pole next to the door. The chance that someone might look at her and realize she’s worth a bounty is way too high.  I’ll just walk her up and down the hills near my house.  I hate hills.  I also hate Jonah Hill…

There was a line at the front desk and every single person standing in front of me wanted to use a gift certificate and then promptly lost several shits as each realized she would have to pay the difference.  One woman flatly refused and asked instead to see a list of cheaper treatments before settling on a facial that doesn’t include an extra blast of what I’m guessing is very costly oxygen.  I decided to make the choice not to get annoyed by the way certain people can be so inconsiderate of strangers waiting patiently in a line behind them and I got through my minor exasperation by slowly and deeply breathing in some oxygen that nobody charged me for.

RUBBING ONE OUT

RUBBING ONE OUT

I know this is something I desperately need when the tinkling sound from the probably-purchased-at-Pier-1 waterfall makes me want to hurl the thing clear across the room.  

Yes: I get that they're going for a mood – that they're trying to create an experience. So I'll listen patiently as I'm told by a very serene woman to disrobe and I'll pull the way-too-big-for-me robe around my body that's now only clad in boy shorts and I'll stick my feet into the slippers they provide. I'll leave my phone in the locker and I'll lock it with a key and I’ll place the key into the oversize pocket of the oversize robe and then I'll walk through the door that was pointed out to me twice and I'll enter the waiting area.  And I’ll realize immediately that the reason the doorway was pointed out twice was so I didn’t accidentally walk through the other door, the one that leads back to the entrance, because then I’ll be confronted by a cash register and that sight will ruin the Zen that everyone is going for in this scenario.