It’s June! And the total awareness of my looming days of bliss during whence I shall sleep until the sun comes up and then frolic along beaches with my puppy and a particularly adorable man has left me feeling both exhilarated and rather selfless – and that reverberating sense of positivity has translated into a desire to help others. Seeing as I am unable to do shit like save lives, I will instead pay it forward by imparting the most essential wisdom I have gathered over the course of my life to my favorite online friends so you too can achieve some of what this momentary sense of nirvana feels like:
1. You can tell someone is a truly good friend when you don’t have to question his or her capacity for loyalty for even a second.
2. Nothing can benefit your life more than getting a good education – unless you can get sponsored by Peter Thiel, because that guy has your future covered so long as you never want that future to include a job at Gawker.
3. The people in your life you view as crazy are probably legitimately crazy and the lunacy they project daily as adults can likely be traced back to a very shitty day in middle school from which they have yet to recover. Do not try to reason with these people. In fact, it’s probably best not to look them directly in the eye or feed them after midnight either.
4. Most of the finest shows nowadays will never air on network television. Basic and premium cable are your real friends and that means you should tune in to Lifetime for UnReal, USA for Mr. Robot, Showtime for The Girlfriend Experience, and Netflix for everything else.
5. When a man tells you that he almost gets into a fight every single time he enters a bar, he’s either lying or he’s psychotic – or he’s both, which makes him a lying psychopath who probably slumbers atop a bed made out of diaphanous red flags.
6. Layer cake tastes way better when it’s kept in the refrigerator.
7. Doing squats correctly hurts like a motherfucker. Doing Pilates correctly hurts like a motherfucker who is going through heroin withdrawal.
8. Only tell the handful of people you really trust the whole truth and just smile affably at everyone else because those people don’t really care how you are or what you think. Save your time and energy for the people who matter.
9. Try not to call a television show “preposterous” when speaking to the show’s producer.
10. See Hamilton as soon as you possibly can. Know how it’s been touted as being the single greatest thing ever to hit Broadway? That hype is real.
11. Shrug off the inconsideration someone directs at you because you’re strong and you can handle it, but refuse to forgive someone for all of eternity if that inconsideration is aimed at a member of your family – at least if it's a member of your family you actually like.
12. The thread count of sheets matters tremendously.
13. If an opportunity presents itself that both excites and terrifies you, do it. You’ll figure it out as you go and really, as long as you appear confident, people will think you actually know what you’re doing.
14. Don’t even bother trying to straighten your hair when the humidity level hits 60% or higher. Also, only date men who love their air conditioners as fervently as they love their mothers or their pets.
15. For the love of all that is fucking holy, don’t ever RSVP “yes” to a holiday party thrown by a Real Housewife.