I don’t typically create tests that are multiple-choice.
Why not, wail some of my students, upon finding this exam information out on the very first day, a day I hand out my syllabus and let them see that they will be watching clips from movies like Pulp Fiction and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and entire films like Thelma and Louise, since they should know with clarity that Brad Pitt was always a demigod. The syllabus also tells them things like I could care less if they eat a four-course meal in my classroom as long as they throw their shit into the garbage when they’re finished, that I will not take late work ever, and if they drift into a happy slumber while watching a movie, I will kick them the fuck out of the room in an instant. And all of the tests for my course will be questions that they will have to respond to in writing.
My reason for creating tests that end up taking way longer for me to grade (I actually only learned how to use a scantron machine a few years ago when the state handed down Common Core standards, so bravo, Lords of Education! Now I can add “adept with outdated technology” to my resume, should I ever run fleeing from this profession) is so I can see what my students actually know, not so I can see that they have been blessed with the ability to say something to themselves like, “Well, I haven’t circled a C in a while,” which is exactly what I used to say to myself when I took tests for which I hadn’t studied.
But, as I am on vacation, I will do the relaxing thing of creating a nice, modest test on the action that transpired on last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, a show where I don’t actually hate everybody that’s a cast member. But it concerns me that some of those I do like are forced to cavort with people who might truly be physical manifestations of pure evil simply for camera time and some form of payment.
I could rhapsodize exhaustively upon the vile nature of Jax, a man who has somehow managed to make it clear into his mid-thirties without getting slaughtered by a mob of women who are armed with the knowledge that if they don’t take him and his testicles out soon, there’s a chance that he could procreate – and then none of us should even pretend to fear global warming or ISIS or the Sony hackers or that scary character from that terrifying movie The Babadook, because allowing this repulsive bartender to roam the earth without being sterilized is a far greater threat to humanity than all of those tossed together. But instead of sending around a petition to have him castrated, let’s just answer a multiple-choice question first.
1. Jax and his girlfriend Tiffany (remember when multiple-choice questions used names like Bob and Sue?) have reconciled. She procures her beloved and his friends a spacious suite in San Diego, where the guys begin their vacation by lolling around a reserved area at the pool that comes complete with bottle service. After ingesting vodka, tequila, and the natural shame of being the man he has been allowed to become, Jax:
A. Retires to his lovely suite to write a grateful text to his girlfriend, a woman who clearly has never watched an episode of this television show in her whole life.
B. Takes a long shower, which probably won’t kill the crabs, but at least they’ll be hydrated.
C. Scrawls a long passage into his diary that begins, Dear Diary, I am a piece of shit, but if anyone brings to light just how horrible I am, I will lash out at that person instead of working on the mess that is my moral center. Why am I like this, Diary? Why?
D. Bangs a girl in the bathroom of the suite his girlfriend thoughtfully reserved for him and his friends.
The answer, my friends, is D, which incidentally is the letter that begins the following words: douchebag, dick, dipshit, demonic, defile, and deranged. And I believe that Jax probably knows the meaning of those vocabulary words, but if he doesn’t, perhaps he can call the new girl and they can meet for a coffee date that he will post about on Twitter because it turns out that coffee will not be hot unless the whole world knows you’re drinking it.
And speaking of Vail, she sat at a table for Stassi’s birthday dinner, musing to the camera that she was alarmed by all the shit talk that surrounded her. So let’s make question #2 about the blonde enigma that is Vail:
2. Vail, the former soap star and current Sur hostess, was terribly confounded that the people she was having dinner with were saying nasty things about the people who were not at that table because:
A. Vail spent all of her convalescence as she was recovering from doing too much blow by watching Canadian Parliament and therefore has never seen an episode of the show she joined, even though the show is in its third season.
B. It never occurred to her that, of all the restaurants in the Los Angeles area, only one has its workers televised on a reality show and that might mean that talking shit about one another is as de rigueur as counting tips for the night.
C. She’s just the kindest person on the west coast and she would have become a nun who never said anything evil about anybody else, but her hair turned out to be way too flowy and perfect to be hidden under a habit.
D. She’s lying.
Yup, I’m that asshole teacher who is writing a test where there are two Ds in a row. And just like the teacher I had that one time who made a True/False test made up of answers that were unanimously True, I won’t apologize either, though I cursed that man and I think that might be why he went bald.
The thought of rapidly thinning hair brings me immediately in my mind to Kristen, a girl who takes more joy in another person’s misfortune than anyone I have ever seen, both in real life and in reel life. Her willingness to smirk into a camera as she spews nonsense is alarming to me and I can’t help but wonder if that creature has parents, but the question I will be creating has nothing to do with her genetic make-up. Instead, here is question #3:
3. Kristen, upon hearing the transcendent news that Jax cheated on his girlfriend, actually said, “It might be good for me if this is true.” Why would this crocodile-resembling woman (trust me: go back and pause the action when Kristen looks up under weirdly-hooded eyes as she tries to make a point she thinks is crafty. The girl looks very much like a crocodile, and I stand by that association as much as I did when I knew that one of my former campers looked exactly like a walrus or when someone I knew looked like he was birthed from a family of polar bears. Some things just ARE) think that news of Jax’s infidelity be good for her?
A. Because she’s a psychopath who will only feel superior when she sees other people in tremendous amounts of pain.
B. Because she is desperately in love with Tom, her ex-boyfriend, a man who should probably have a restraining order out on her, and she thinks that if Jax is exposed for his dastardly and dickish deeds, that Jax will retaliate by exposing Tom’s secrets, an act which will lead to Tom’s current girlfriend walking away from him, allowing Kristen and all of her glorious misperceptions to swoop in and comfort a man who is terrified of her.
C. Because she’s incapable of hearing about someone else and not attempting to figure out in an arrogant and odd game of Pretend Strategy how something she was not a part of could work to her advantage.
D. Because she’s a cunt.
See, this is why I don’t make up these kinds of tests, because all of the answers for the Kristen question would qualify as correct. Any one of them would suffice to explain the irrational thoughts and actions of a girl who is imploding onscreen without a smidgen of self-awareness as it all transpires. But I do feel a little bit badly about calling her a cunt, so I will also say that I liked her white dress that she wore to the bridal shower where she sat plotting the death of half the bridal party.
4. I should feel less guilty that I called a shit-stirring, evil-plotting, limp-haired madwoman a cunt because I then complimented her on her pretty sheath dress.
The answer is obviously A, though a few of the people on this show would never get it right because recognizing truth comes far less easy to some of them than applying false lashes does.
And now, as I need to go work out, I will leave you with the following extra-credit question:
5. I think that Stassi nailed it when she said that Scheana looked like a cross between a gypsy and an American Girl doll during their brief meeting, though the American Girl dolls my niece used to have looked far less likely to bend over and give head than Scheana looks on an hourly basis. That said, would someone please explain to me the penchant the guys on this show have for wearing beenies and capri pants? This is an open-ended question and I hope an answer will come my way so that I can begin to sleep soundly again after my nightly ritual where I close my eyes and thank the universe for never having met Jax, for not at all resembling a reptile, and for not once sleeping with a guy who rocks a beenie.
Sweet dreams, my friends, and Happy New Year!