If I had been allotted a full three years to sit inside of a dark room and devote all of my time to trying to figure out exactly the way that the guys from Vanderpump Rules would commemorate Shay’s last afternoon before he willingly married Scheana, I could never have come up with what actually transpired. My imagination’s vivid and all, but I’m not sure it would ever venture towards the sheer darkness that involves the scenario of four grown men standing in an alley, drinking 40s out of brown paper bags.
And then, of course, there’s Jax, whom I’ve come to believe is smegma personified. He appears suddenly onscreen and we can see, even without a cut to close-up, the faint sight of the gash that’s still on his forehead from that time he ran through a glass door to stop his car from being towed. He stands there in the dirty alley (“Maybe this is where I came from…” I imagined his inner voice whispering excitedly to the meatier parts of his brain) and he ribs Shay with exactly what you’d expect this dickhead to say to a man getting married: “One vagina for the rest of your life!” It was a comment that was both totally expected and glaringly uninsightful, and I’m beginning to embrace the feeling that Jax needs to be sent far away from society in an effort to protect ourselves at large from what I will from this point forward coin his terribleness.
(I’d capitalize his terribleness, but making anything Jax does into a proper noun feels all kinds of improper.)
Please know this: I don’t suggest the deportation of a fellow American cavalierly, but I’m nervous that I have legitimately developed some kind of Pavlovian reaction to both his face and his voice – don’t think I haven’t tried to watch the scenes with Jax without burying my face in a pillow! – that subsequently causes my inner organs to clench in a way that makes me wince in pain. I’m frightened for my health! But I will give him credit for getting me off my habit of snacking while watching this show because, even if I’m just chomping carrot sticks, my tummy can no longer handle it.
After the super-classy toast in the alleyway, the boys wander into a barbershop to get groomed for Shay’s big day. Schwartz – whom I guess made up with Jax after the last episode ended on a cliffhanger during which he called out his buddy for never having his back, to which Jax responded with the incredibly sentimental and apologetic I don’t care – sat quietly while a man tended to his sweet little face while another barber took a razor to Jax’s throat and I sat straight up on my sofa in an anticipatory form of total glee thinking, this is it! The money shot! Alas, Jax was not gutted by the barber and instead all I got to see was him getting shaved while Sandoval administered to Shay as his self-appointed stylist and then showed off his own perfectly shorn face, something he declared would feel great when rubbed across Ariana's vagina. Sandoval’s baby-soft skin also served to then cause continuity issues for the rest of the episode since the rehearsal dinner that followed the shaving scene showed Sandoval with significant scruff.
Before we get to Sur – setting of the rehearsal dinner because Scheana gets an employee discount there and her wedding costs have buoyed north of $90,000 so girlfriend’s gotta save money somewhere –we first gain entrance into the luxurious and spotless home of Lisa Vanderpump. I don’t know if it’s mating season or something to do with the migration patterns of swans, but I feel like we have seen way more of the guard swans that patrol Lisa’s house these days than we ever have before. I enjoy how mildly terrified every person looks walking over that bridge to Lisa’s front door when the circling swans below come into focus. People are right to be scared! Swans can be vicious – and I sadly know this to be true because one chased me when I went on a hike near a lake one time.
It was a totally scarring experience.
But protective mommy swans ready to run me down are nothing when compared to the threat of allowing Kristen entrance into a wedding where alcohol will be served. During the brief sit-down between Lisa and Scheana, it is implied that Kristen might cause some trouble on the big day.
I realize that this scene was meant to serve as foreshadowing, but let’s be serious. Can such a thing ever BE constituted as foreshadowing when you've invited a mentally unstable lunatic shrewish shell of a deranged person to an event with all the people she genuinely believes have wronged her? Could there really be any other outcome besides total insanity? The only way this could evolve into a situation that would end up striking any breathing and lucid viewer as actually shocking would be if Kristen didn’t throw a fit at the wedding and instead ended up sitting quietly at her table, sipping Pellegrino through a straw, while musing to the nearby swans that she had finally seen the error of her psychotic ways.
She’s still invited to the wedding, but Kristen is lunatica non grata at the rehearsal dinner since it takes place at a location she is now banned from forever. She will instead spend the evening meditating at home, thinking deeply about where things went so wrong for her and which paths she should perhaps have avoided in her tumultuous years. Actually, that’s the choice a normal adult might make. What Kristen plans to do during her banishment is get drunk and make Lisa Vanderpump voodoo dolls, which I hope turn out to be cuter than the bullshit tee-shirt line she just started.
At Sur, the party is underway. Shay shows up with his soon-to-be bride, and it’s maybe the first time he hasn’t appeared onscreen wearing a ribbed cotton tank top. Sandoval and his scruff arrive along with Ariana, and I like Ariana so I hope that her vagina appreciated her boyfriend’s shave. Katie and Schwartz are there, as is Jax, which makes sense because it’s a party one invites dear people to attend, and how could one classify Jax as anything if not a loyal and wonderful friend? (Answer: he can also be classified as a vile and damaged misogynist who needs to be toppled like the Ayatollah, lest he gain followers.) And look, I’d love to spend more time discussing his terribleness, but my focus has been pulled by the appearance of James.
James shows up alone because his girlfriend is not welcome anywhere near or around the perimeter of the restaurant where she told her manager to suck a dick. Poor James feels sad that his number one teammate is not by his side, and I cannot possibly be the only person watching who thought immediately that James needs to either quickly switch teams or take his balls and go home – or, better yet, to go fleeing to someone else’s home where his girlfriend is not drinking wine from a bottle while trying to coax fake lashes onto a voodoo doll. I could rhapsodize for a century about James’ peculiar romantic choices, but again I find myself getting sidetracked, this time by his outfit. See, James arrived wearing an ultra-low cut tank top with a few long layered necklaces, and perhaps when my kidneys thaw out from the terrifying sight, I can discuss his hair, but I’m just not ready to tackle that shit yet.
He and Sandoval go outside to smoke a cigarette and Sandoval informs him that Kristen recently texted him to ask if he wanted to get together to “shoot the shit,” as though they are still friends. And while I want to throw myself in front of Sandoval and beg him not to poke Kristen-the-limp-haired-beast, I think his goal in this revelation is weirdly to protect James from Kristen’s stratosphere of crazy. It’s a lovely intention, but I’m thinking James is way too far gone to listen to any of Sandoval’s suggestions and advice, and I’m anticipating that this little bro-talk will be the impetus of what begins the gore I’m expecting to see splattered across Scheana’s cocktail hour.
Please allow the swans flee to safety!
As we move closer to the wedding, the text onscreen starts to alert us as to how impending those nuptials are. The day before, Scheana and her bridal party – and Katie – go to the venue. It’s a beautiful place, and it’s there we meet Danielle, the Wedding Coordinator Scheana found on Instagram. I’m all for social media, but I can’t deny that I might have heard a dun dun DUN sound in the distance upon realizing that all of the variables of Scheana’s day rested in the sweaty hands of a woman who might not be all that qualified. But really, should things go terribly wrong at least everyone can drown themselves in champagne and sangria, because there’s a ton of it on the premises, much of it provided free of charge by Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora.
Away from the wedding site, James and Kristen go out to lunch and James tells her that the rehearsal dinner was kind of uncomfortable, especially when Sandoval told him about the texts Kristen had been sending. And it was beyond hilarious, this moment, because the second that Kristen heard Sandoval’s name, her head popped up as if attached to a spring on a well-used mattress. Seriously: had she been animated, the reaction would have been accompanied by a sound cue that went boiiiinnnggg. Kristen attempted to insist that she is anything but giddy about the fact that Sandoval has been talking about her to James – though let’s be honest here and call out that Kristen is beyond thrilled that her name has passed through Sandoval’s lips, and maybe nobody who has won a lottery or survived a grave disease has ever looked more pleased than Kristen when she says, “Tom is obsessed with me.”
The thing that should haunt all of us is that she believes that.
James plows forward, though, telling Kristen she should not be sending texts to her ex, especially ones accompanied by emojis that include winks or tongues, and that moment made me feel a real sense of nostalgia for what used to be a simpler time, before texts could be sent on an unhinged whim and before the look on a smiley’s face could be deemed provocative.
“I made it clear that it’s going to take me some time where I don’t go through spells where I give a shit,” Kristen explained to her mortified boyfriend, and I found it rather appropriate that this witch of a person used the word “spells.” I also now cannot stop my mind from veering towards imagery of Kristen surrounded by potions and cauldrons and cloaks, and I strongly suggest that anybody who has ever met this girl should begin to lock their doors and their windows and pray for daylight.
Back at bridal headquarters, Scheana hands out decorated wine glasses to her bridal party and she even has something to give Katie, who is there but is not a bridesmaid. Scheana and Katie both outwardly marvel that they have become close, a fact Scheana attributes to Katie finally pulling her head out of the confines of Stassi’s rectum, and I do have to admit that Katie’s hair looks way better since that confinement ended. And speaking of assholes, is Stassi off this show now? I mean, I see that she appears in the next episode to make fun of how Scheana looked at her wedding, but is that it? Funny – I thought I’d miss Stassi’s presence way more than I have, but she’s actually not needed to make the action swirl. So bon voyage, Stassi! May you go forth and prosper and do it all while wearing the kind of statement necklace that I would buy for my mother.
The night before the wedding, Scheana and Ariana stay in a room together and they share a longer kiss on the lips than I normally share with my female friends when we say goodnight, but who am I to judge? And I will keep that lack of judgment in mind as Scheana dresses for her wedding, because while I would not wear a bridal gown with a pearl-encrusted crop top, to each her own.
The wedding day itself begins with toasts and a flurry of activity, all of which is captured by photographers. There is the whir of hairdryers and the adhesion of lashes and all is well until Scheana remembers that she forgot her wedding gift to her beloved and now her collection of boudoir photographs are sitting in her apartment and nobody can jack off to them. Since the people she loves most are already with her at the venue, she decides to call a second tier friend – Kristen. She wants Kristen to go to her apartment and get her the photos and then bring them to her.
I need to pause here. I know how frustrating it must be to leave something behind accidentally, but would anyone really think it would be a great idea to allow Kristen unsupervised entrance into a home? She is already a narcissist, a psychopath, and crazily delusional. How far of a throw is kleptomania from where she already happens to teeter?
Ariana mentions that she’d like to be anywhere but where Kristen is because she is genuinely afraid of Kristen, which she should be because Kristen has happily shared her colorful fantasies about how Ariana should die and I don’t doubt for a second that she has already picked out a halter dress to wear to Ariana’s funeral. But when Ariana mentions her reservations to Scheana, the bride doesn’t want to hear it. It is her wedding day. She is in a Zen place. She’s pretending she knows what “Zen” means. Leave her alone!
After telling the makeup artist that she wants “a lot of makeup,” we cut to the guys getting ready. Wondering how Shay – a man who is relatively mute – is feeling? Take it away, Shay!
“I feel like I’m getting dressed for my funeral,” says Shay.
I tell you, it’s like poetry…
Back in the bridal suite, Kristen arrives with the book of photographs and an intention, which is to “ignore the fuck out of Ariana and Katie,” and it’s here where I’m going to once again recommend therapy, because how many adult women do you know who have more than one legitimate arch nemesis? Sure, there’s people you may not like, but this active hatred is just so fucking weird. Wisely, the moment Kristen arrives and settles in to have her hair done, Ariana vacates the premises, remembering that she once had a fortune cookie that told her “It’s always best to avoid the crazy lady.”
Outside in the courtyard, the guests have started to arrive. Look! There’s that piece of dogshit Jax with his ex-girlfriend, Carmen! And here come Katie and Schwartz! Schwartz is wearing a floppy tie that I would never allow my Schwartz Doll to wear (speaking of which – get on that idea, Mattel. It’s almost Earth Day and I want to unwrap my very own Schwartz Doll to celebrate our environment!) while Katie is doing her best not to propose to herself as she waits for the wedding to begin. Kristen and James show up and throw nasty looks to people and into the fray walk Lisa Vanderpump with Ken and Giggy. Giggy is a vision in purple, and I think it’s sweet that he was invited to the wedding, but I couldn’t spend too much time enjoying his presence because my own dog looked at the screen and then glared at me, and I think it’s because Wookie has never attended a wedding or worn anything in purple and now I have a very pissed off Maltese on my hands.
I blame Kristen for that too.
Strolling into the courtyard, Lisa is – hands-down – the hottest woman there despite being decades older than the others and she also has the best comment upon seeing Kristen, because it’s not just sexiness that comes with age sometimes.
“Out of the 310 guests at the wedding, the first person I see is Kristen. She looks very sophisticated. But you can put lipstick on a Kristen and it’s still a Kristen,” says Lisa, and bitch doesn’t even break a sweat while saying it. This woman needs a holiday anointed in her honor. I say next year we ask Lisa if there will be six more weeks of winter! Fuck the groundhog – this woman is my new prophet.
Before the vows begin – late, because the Instagram Wedding Planner got her training on Pinterest – we get a brief interlude in which Jax mulls over how similar he and George Clooney are in terms of…um… Talent? No. Wisdom? Nah, that can’t be it. Oh yes, they both have a Y-chromosome. They’re like twins! But what Jax cannot understand is how George Clooney settled down with a human rights lawyer. And to explain the appeal of a human rights lawyer, I believe I will need to get Jax into a secluded location where I can lobotomize him and start all over with his brain and there’s simply not enough time.
I have a pedicure to get to.
Once the hysteria slightly abates and Scheana walks down the aisle, her vows are sweet and she says that she is so happy that she would smile – but her Botox will not allow it.
How old is this chick that she’s already pumped full of Botox? And how might an emoji that has Botox look?
I should ask Kristen…