For those of you who awoke this morning with a strange feeling inside that can only be described as an emptiness combined with the twinge of being emotionally bereft, I’d like to propose that the cause of such inner turmoil is simply being somewhat let down after a momentous occasion has passed and the only thing you can do to try to hold on to what felt so special is to try to harness your memories. Yes, Scheana’s wedding day is over, and I believe that we are all feeling a sense of loss that such a epic event will not ever come again – until Scheana gets married to her next husband.
But how did the bride feel? Take it away, Scheana!
“I have a husband,” said the woman with lashes so heavy that I’m not sure she could lift her eyelids to actually gaze upon the man who just agreed to legally be tied to her. “None of my friends have a husband.”
And that’s when I started to laugh. That’s also when I started to imagine some other sentences that Scheana has probably uttered with a misguided sense of total pride:
“None of my friends have a married boyfriend.”
“None of my friends have an auto-tuned single that makes the population at large pray for permanent deafness.”
“None of my friends have a crop-top encrusted with pearls.”
“None of my friends have as many vowels in their name as I do – and everyone knows that the more vowels you have, the more jealous people are of you!”
I think that Scheana has actually made an interesting point with her declaration that she has something that her friends do not, but my guess is that the point she ended up making was not the one she was striving for. See, what I walked away with was the understanding that this ridiculous girl is perhaps the embodiment of why certain people should not get married in their early twenties. (I’m not talking about every twenty-something person, so those of you who feel ready to arrange my death, take a deep breath and call off the hounds. I’m talking about a twenty-something like Scheana.)
Scheana strikes me as a girl who requires attention more than oxygen, the kind of person who is far more interested in a wedding than a marriage. This event is not being defined by a great love; it’s being defined by costume changes and sound cues, all of which the Instagram Wedding Planner and the D.J. who was probably procured from Craigslist are getting wrong. And Scheana will not have mistakes occur on her big day!
(What’s that? It’s also Shay’s big day? Yes, that’s probably true, but I like to think that while Shay stays mute as Scheana rails to the heavens and anyone within earshot about how the entire day is being destroyed due to the wrong song coming on during her second huge entrance of the night, that what is happening in Shay’s head is that he is contemplating which guest is most likely to have an extra set of annulment papers on his or her person. Does Jax walk around with some, just in case he spontaneously gets married in the way he often spontaneously has a girl’s name scrawled on his bicep in permanent ink? Might Kristen have some legal documents stuffed inside of her clutch behind her flask? Or could he maybe wander into the nearby wilderness, find a birch tree, peel himself some bark, and scrawl on that bark in crayon a document that will end his marriage to a woman who is growing more hysterical as the night wears on?)
But listen; maybe they are perfect for one another! After all, Relationship Expert Kristen has this to say about the two people now joined in a legal union: “She’s faithful to him and he kisses her ass. That’s a solid team.” Yes, Kristen – that is a solid team. And perhaps you can get a job embroidering your words of wisdom on pillows now that you have all that free time on your hands. I can see it now – Kristen will gaze at the world though her very warped lens and will create a set of pillows and shams that illustrate what she has learned about love. I’d like to caution anybody who purchases anything from that line, though – I’m pretty sure those pillows will give you lice.
Before the botched introduction of the wedding party takes place, there is the moment I’d like to call When Lisa Met Kristen, though not a second of it contained any of the zaniness or the joy of a meet-cute moment. No, Lisa locked eyes with Kristen and an expression passed over her face that clearly read, “Oh, fuck – this lunatic,” and Kristen decided that this was the perfect time to speak to her former employer. See, Kristen is feeling good. She has been buoyed by the confidence that a glass (or six glasses) of wine can give, she has spent the last twenty minutes or so imagining her upcoming wedding with Sandoval, and she has happily scoped out the joint and has realized that there are cliffs aplenty and it will be more than possible to shove Ariana over one after the soup course, and who would even suspect her should Ariana go plunging to her death? How could it be Kristen who killed Ariana? Kristen is having the time of her life, which is exactly what she tells Lisa while wearing an expression and using the inflection that Patty Hearst did while she was trapped in a closet with a bag over her head. She goes on to tell Lisa that it’s clear that Lisa never liked her and that’s why she was fired – to which Lisa tries to explain to the crazy woman in her airspace that it was her attitude she didn’t care for – but the lunatic isn’t listening. She’s too focused on the fact that she knows that everybody expects her to ruin the wedding, and she’s going to surprise them all by not being the biggest asshole on the premises for the evening.
I’d like to just toss out an idea here: if everyone expects you will single-handedly ruin a wedding, is it possible that maybe you need therapy or medication? Or am I saying such a thing because I’m jealous of Kristen’s amazing life and the bond she has with her twelve-year old boyfriend?
Gotta be choice two.
Moving from one repulsive wedding guest to the next, we find ourselves with Jax, who is murmuring words of love into Carmen’s ear, an action that caused my own ear begin to bleed. But Carmen is not really caving to Jax’s sweet nothings (nothings being the operative word here) and she gets annoyed when Vail joins their table and greets Jax, who responds with a greeting so short that it’s highly unlikely that he has not banged or attempted to bang Vail in the last week or so and is now desperately trying to cover it up. Making things more awkward, it seems Vail recently left a comment or a kiss or something ridiculous on Carmen’s Instagram, and it’s here where I’m going to provide a quick public service message to users of social media: if you don’t know someone personally and your only correlation to that person is through some guy you have both been with, you two are not friends. There is no need to write on a girl’s Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram like you’re buddies or founding members of a support group. If you believe you’re coming off as stealth or cool, you’re not; you are coming off as a threatened stalker, and Carmen should avoid both Vail and Jax like her very existence depends on it, which it might because these people are fucking damaged.
The more you know, am I right?
Back in Los Angeles, we venture out with Stassi and her lone friend, Kristina. They go for drinks and toast to not being at Scheana’s wedding and Stassi discusses the mounds of dignity and self-respect she stands atop while imploring Kristina to go trolling online to find pictures of Scheana as a bride so they can cut her to bits. Finding a picture of Scheana in her dress gives Stassi a ton of ammunition, but anything she says about how terribly Scheana looks is watered down by the simple fact that Stassi claims to be above all of this shit and all of these people, but when the only thing you do on this show is wade into the nonsense, you’re not really above anything. And furthermore, that she was able to rise above the fray seems to have nothing to do with any move she made besides snagging a boyfriend who makes a good enough living that she no longer has to hoist platters at Sur. And I don’t begrudge her that – good for her! Cutting most of those people from the fabric of her life like they were scraps of material that moths had nibbled on was an excellent move, but stop acting so superior when you have done nothing to achieve superiority. When you legitimately stop caring about how ridiculous Scheana looks or when you finally refuse to be on camera discussing people you feel you are so above, then your superiority will be something that is not an illusion. Until then, cheers to only having relevance because of your affiliation with Scheana!
I think that normally Scheana would actually be quite pleased to realize how much she continues to be the focus of Stassi and Kristina, but she has too many other things on her mind right now to care. Because right now she must whine that the wrong song is coming on again and that, because of it, her entire wedding – nay, her entire life – has been compromised. So she does the only thing she can do when three hundred guests are sitting there: she makes them wait. And when the correct song finally starts, she and her beloved shimmy out to the balcony and wave to the people they love and then have a first dance that ends with the bride twerking because Scheana radiates both class and refinement.
Elsewhere on the dance floor, Sandoval remarks that he is thrilled to be far away from The Crazy Table at which his psychotic ex-girlfriend and her currently inebriated boyfriend sit, resentment bubbling between them like hot pink lava. Turns out that James has begun to grow weary of Kristen’s obsession with Sandoval, so he solves the problem by creating a new problem. He gets shit-faced wasted, moving – as Kristen puts it – from happy to belligerent and stubborn in only an instant, and I would feel badly for Kristen, but I can’t get it up to have any feeling towards her that even resembles sympathy because this is the kind of thing that happens when you are forever obsessed with your ex-boyfriend and you have made the choice to date a twenty-two year old child in the interim because you cannot face being alone.
Perhaps the only one less happy than James at the wedding is Katie, who has been guided to a private spot by her boyfriend of four years where Schwartz proceeds to give her a ring on a string that she can hang around her neck. It becomes abundantly clear almost immediately that Katie would much prefer to hang Schwartz from a noose that is tied to one of the trees festooned with twinkly lights. It’s not that the ring on the string isn’t pretty, explains Katie; it’s that she wants an engagement ring to wear on her finger, and this is essentially a rose gold consolation prize.
To his credit, Schwartz recognizes that he has hurt the girl that he loves and admits that he has commitment issues and that he has shown poor judgment in selecting this particular piece of jewelry. He strikes me as a rather good guy, but then again that could also be because he is surrounded by douchebags as far as the eye can see.
Always the winner of the Douchiest of the Douchebags contest, Jax appears perplexed that Carmen is not planning on staying the night with him. No, Carmen will be leaving the reception and hopefully the memory of Jax behind and only a little bit of itchiness that she will probably have to deal with will remind her of the barely-evolved Neanderthal who once broke up with her in a shitty pizza place and later said that he would win her back because “girls are weak and can be broken.” And while I’m not sure if Carmen caved at a later date and allowed Jax reentry into her life, we should all take a moment to celebrate that someone on this show made a fine decision and I’d like a tee shirt made for me that has Carmen’s face on it at the very moment that she gazes at Jax with a look of pure and unadulterated disgust. I shall wear it on the high holy days with my favorite pair of skinny jeans, just as my forefathers did.
So Jax gets ditched and the bridesmaid he then tries to chat up is married and the whole thing is kind of glorious, except poor Scheana is still devastated that all of her best laid plans for her day as a cropped-topped princess are not getting laid in the way things usually get laid in her life. Where is her wedding planner? Why is the woman collecting plastic cups instead of organizing the tossing of the bouquet and the cutting of the cake and the dollar dance?
It is here that I must pause and admit that I have no clue whatsoever what a dollar dance is, but using the context of the term and the people involved, I’m imagining that it’s a kind of an unironic stripper dance where guests at a wedding throw singles at you. I could be wrong, of course, and I suppose that I could Google the term to find out for sure, but I think that I’m going to embrace my lack of awareness and take just a minute to gaze towards the cosmos and thank whatever God allowed me to achieve a modicum of education that has enabled me to live in a world where dollar dances make no sort of sense.
Also making very little sense is James, who has not listened to Kristen’s advice to wash down all of his alcohol with water. James is drunk as can be and all of his hidden fury and insecurities begin to sweat out of his pores along with the scent of tequila and he follows Kristen to the parking lot where she is planning to leave with Trevor, her bearded trainer. Furious and out of control, James begins to berate Kristen for making him into her “boy toy,” and I cannot possibly be the only person who desperately wanted to pause the action at that very moment so I could run upstairs and fling open my closet and find the white crinoline that’s stuffed in my Halloween bag and writhe around on the floor for a few minutes while singing Like a Virgin at the top of my lungs.
Kristen and James and Trevor and their cigarettes fight in the parking lot where Kristen and Trevor are waiting for their Uber (which got a shitload of free publicity on this episode), and James screams into Kristen’s face that he always has her back and that everyone talks shit about her and it’s because she is so fucking unmanageable – and Kristen responds by punching him in the face.
Later on, James will say that he deserved that punch and I recently saw something online that indicated that the two of them are still together and what that means is that we now know definitively what true love looks like: it looks like desperation drenched in alcohol topped with thin hair and accessorized with a chin ass.
I recommend that none of us look directly at it.
Back inside the party, James tells Sandoval what Kristen just did and Sandoval has the expression on his face of a man who chewed off his own arm to extricate himself from a human albatross and is more than willing to live without a limb if it means he also gets to live a life without chaos. Then he announces to a group of his friends, “When I want to go on vacation, I just look in Ariana’s eyes,” and I’d like to take bets on whether – upon seeing this moment play out on television – Kristen’s entire head began to rotate or if she began to jab at herself with a crucifix.
The rest of the night went according to plan. Scheana tossed her bouquet. Katie danced in a fountain. Giggy didn’t wrinkle his tuxedo. And back in Los Angeles, Kristina went over to Stassi’s apartment where the two of them had drinks (has Stassi ever appeared on camera without a drink?) and continued to talk about a wedding that was taking place without them. At one point, Kristina showed Stassi a picture that Katie had sent of the reception, and Stassi marveled at how beautiful everything looked, and that “it looks like the kind of wedding I would have,” and I think it’s nice that we now have a barometer of what Stassi deems acceptable. We also find out that her eventual bridal party will consist of Kristina and her own mother and – well, that’s it.
Perhaps she should just elope when the time comes.
Back in the desert, James informs Scheana about the punch in the face and eventually the entire group goes to sleep. But the next morning, bright and early, Scheana recruits her friends to help her clean up the wedding like I used to have my friends help me mop the kitchen floor after I would throw a party when I was in high school. And it is during the cleaning process that Scheana – who didn’t see or hear a word of the fight as it went down – discusses how she is done with Kristen and how gross it is that Kristen threw punches at her wedding and, honestly, out of all the things that Kristen has done wrong that should have gotten her excessed from Scheana’s life, punching her boyfriend in a dark parking lot away from all the wedding action seems the least of her sins. Personally, I would have kicked Kristen out of my life when she strategically plotted the demise of my best friend, but I think that maybe Scheana is the kind of person who can only fully see a slight when it somehow involves herself.
And now, my friends, Scheana is married. I wish her the best and I’d like to propose a toast: may all of her future song cues occur as they should; may she always have the ability to twerk in formalwear; and should footage of her singing at her wedding exist somewhere, may it play on a loop during the reunion so we can all feel just a little bit better about ourselves for just a little while.