Before anyone who partook in the sweet little threesome that closed the last episode can shift the narrative to something that seems more convenient, let’s first be clear: not a bit of that “just happened.” There was ample time for any one of those pseudo adults to decide not to hop into a bed located inside of a room they know full well is rigged out with cameras. They could have come to their scattered senses in, say, the bathroom – you know, where the guy (the one who told his girlfriend she’s his one and only) was showering with another woman – or they could have halted things in the hallway leading to the bed or they could have ceased the debauchery as they stood around musing that they weren’t accustomed to threesomes. And yes, I know alcohol clouds things and I also know that’s why there’s so much alcohol on that fucking island, but I will have far more respect if any of these desperate individuals just stands up and says, “Yup. I participated. I wanted to experiment sexually and have fun and I plan on slipping my grandparents a powerful sedative prior to this episode airing so I will not in any way be responsible for a coronary incident that could take place when they view me gyrating atop two relative strangers” than if they now choose the sheepish route on the guilt-paved highway.
Also: Tell me one more time that these Tempters came on this show to find true love. I fucking dare you.
But I am genuinely worried about Kate. Imagine her having to watch this bullshit on an iPad that is presented to her by a host of a TV show. Imagine her family watching this footage when the episode airs. Imagine her having to walk into work the next day without spontaneously combusting from sheer humiliation, all because her Jersey boyfriend has been watching porn his entire life and he figured this may be his only shot at a threesome and if such a thing comes at the expense of his girlfriend’s sanity, oh well! This. Poor. Woman.
I don’t think we will see Kate’s innards crack into three until late in the episode, so first we must head back into Dave’s bedroom to watch three people who clearly only have the very best of intentions. Let’s remember, shall we, that up until four seconds ago Payton was obsessed with Casey, Samantha was trying to figure out how to get Dave to really like her, and Dave – well, Dave was a prick then just like he is now. His only concern is that his bed is too small for him to properly host two women, so Samantha tells Payton to go sleep in Casey’s bed instead. As for Casey, he is calmly relaxing in the hot tub with Medinah. She wants to know why he is intent on keeping every girl in the house in the friend zone, but Casey doesn’t see the friend zone thing as being anything bad. He likes that he can talk to any girl and he does not feel guilty about that and this experience is making him realize that if he and Ashley break up, he will be absolutely fine. You know who won’t be absolutely fine upon hearing that sound byte later? That would be Ashley, though once again, contestants on this show need to realize that if something like that is screened for them at a Bonfire, it’s because nothing more scandalous has gone down and they really should feel nothing besides waves of relief.
What’s that? I spoke too soon? Casey is not mumbling comforting words and is instead saying he’s not sure he actually loves Ashley? Motherfuck…this is going to be a Bonfire for the ages. And now here comes Payton, and she’s just in time to listen as Medinah announces that The Mystery of Casey has been solved: the guy is an asshole. An asshole? Why, then he’s perfect for Payton because she seems kind of like an asshole, too! Oh, does that sound harsh? Okay. In that case, I’ll just call Payton “psychotic” because I don’t think “confused” is a vivid enough word to describe a person who walks out of a threesome, climbs straight into a hot tub with another man that a rather wise woman just diagnosed as being an asshole, and then bursts into tears about because said asshole – who, again, has a girlfriend – isn’t showering her with validation. Right now would probably be a good time for Payton to just go to sleep or for Casey to swim off the island or for Medinah to be bequeathed with her very own talk show, but instead Payton cries some more and Casey stalks out of the hot tub in an attempt to put an end to the madness.
Nothing orgy or orgy-adjacent is happening at the girls’ villa, but Esonica looks great as she loses at flip cup to Kareem. Her penalty is to climb into the hot tub next to him. But we don’t see any of that sudsy cuddling because we are dropped instead into a conversation between a devastated Ashley G. and a totally apathetic KB. “Do you even care about me?” Ashley asks, and I cannot be the only person who shouted “Not even a fucking bit!” at my TV screen. Let’s be frank here. All this guy wanted was the challenge of seeing if he could nail a girl with a boyfriend. Once he succeeded at it, the challenge was over. Still, Ashley hopes they can remain friends, and I’d say that’s a lovely sentiment except she’s attempting friendship with someone who doesn’t actually give a single shit about her and would prefer to spend his time perfecting his repertoire of smug smiles. Perhaps Ashley should spend her time forming a different friendship or, I don’t know, taking up needlepoint. Other Ashley, meanwhile, is finding herself in the opposite position. She’s got two men who are interested in her, but she’s concerned about how all of this could appear. If she takes Deac on her next date, Ben could be upset, but if she asks Ben out again, Casey might feel insecure. She’s not used to all these men being into her, but she finds it flattering. She decides to ask Deac on the date, and though I fully believe that this show’s entire premise is damaging to humanity in general, I will say that I’m starting to find it sweet the way Deac and Ben support Ashley. Sure, they would both very much like to be fucking her right now instead of giving her encouraging grins, but until that’s what she wants also, they are behaving like gentlemen.
I cannot believe it’s still nighttime on this show. I also cannot believe that a woman who was just engaging in a threesome with some other guy is now stomping outside in a bikini and a fluffy towel so she can bawl over a different man – WHO HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND – for not mirroring her desperate feelings. If Payton is doing anything right now, she’s showing Casey that she is an awful lot of work, and for a man who is seemingly looking for ease, this girl is basically a walking nightmare. And listen: I get that Casey made the decision to be on this show and him simply participating in such an experiment indicates that he’s interested in getting to know other women so the fact that he’s not currently feeling up someone new is baffling for those in his presence. But that he feels responsible for consoling a girl who had her tongue in some other dude’s mouth fifteen minutes ago is infuriating to me. I also cannot figure out what it is about Casey that has Payton so obsessed, but I think it’s probably because he’s one of only four men she is able to fixate on in the immediate present and she seems to me like a person who, um, likes to fixate. I know I sound judgmental here, but there’s no other way to be when you’re watching a girl say that the men she’s always been with have been assholes, so she chose to try to find a non-asshole BY GOING ON A REALITY SHOW POPULATED BY MEN WHO ARE QUESTIONING THEIR ABILITY TO REMAIN FAITHFUL. All of it is too moronic for words, and I hope you all enjoy Payton’s presence, because something tells me she will appear on several more low-budget reality shows in the very near future. How else is she supposed to locate her soul mate?
Also: I think Casey may be a little bit terrified of Payton.
Also: He should be.
Oh, thank the fucking Lord – it’s finally morning! Samantha does her walk of shame out of Dave’s bedroom while Dave has the audacity to say aloud “What did I just do?” You know full well what you did, Dave. You knew it as it was happening, you chose not to stop it, and you did it knowing your choice would, as you so eloquently put it, “mess Kate up for the rest of her life.” And it’s sweet and all that the guy is capable of regret, but that regret means nothing now. Speaking of regret, the man hired to tempt her out of a relationship has ditched Ashley G., so she is searching for a new way to make her life more difficult. She decides she doesn’t want to jeopardize what she has with Rick anymore because she knows she’s already done enough to warp the man forever, but her other pressing priority at the moment is making sure all the men in her villa rush towards her any time she appears upset or mad or is burrowing beneath her bedding because she is a lady who equates attention with affection and she’d maybe lose consciousness if she didn’t get both at all times.
Also: Ashley seems fun!
Also: The male Tempters think Ashley G. is in love with KB.
Also: Ashley’s forever true love is constant validation and I don’t think she cares where it comes from.
The guys’ villa must be very hot because apparently Casey sweated out all of his fight or flight instincts during the night. He wakes up and decides it would be an awesome idea to ask Payton out on the very next date. She is obviously thrilled and plans to “turn up the volume on the Casey train,” a statement that has terrified me enough that I have begun stocking canned goods in my basement. As for Dave, he’s not going to allow something like guilt prevent him from setting up his next date. He chooses Samantha because he wants to see if they are “a good fit,” and since those words are far too easy a setup for me, I’m just going to ignore them and instead hope their date involves castration. Esonica chooses Kareem for a third date while Dominique throws down the gauntlet to Kate. He wants her to either ask him out or send him home. And though she admits that he’s the only guy there who makes her heart go pitter-patter, it is for that very reason she doesn’t want to take him out. What if she does something that will disrespect her relationship – you know, the one her boyfriend respects oh so deeply and then proves it by showering with a woman, hooking up with two women, and then asking one of those women out on a date? Unwilling to risking violating the sanctity of her relationship (stop laughing), Kate asks out Aden – who is still really cute – and Dominique handles it like a champ by yelling “Send my ass home!”
Also: If as Dominique speaks you see no red flags flapping wildly, you have clearly chosen willful blindness. Good luck with that.
It’s time for the dates! Medinah and Rick are having a great time. They are getting closer and he is being more affectionate and I have to say that I’m sort of rooting for these two. Medinah will probably demand that Rick be more communicative than he’s comfortable with, but at least he won’t have to soothe her ravaged ego every sixteen minutes like I imagine he has to do with Ashley. Samantha and Dave are enjoying the day and Samantha is hoping their emotional intimacy will catch up to what they’ve already accomplished physically. Also having fun are Esonica and Kareem and she is patently unconcerned with whether Gavin will be okay knowing that these two have had three straight dates. “He brought me here,” Esonica says with a huff, so Gavin and whatever his reaction may be can suck it. Ashley G. is spending the day with Juan, and while she maintains that he’s being a total gentleman, not a bit of me believes she isn’t spending the day actively hoping that her being out with another man will make KB jealous, even though the guy probably won’t have time to be jealous because he’s extremely busy measuring his foot size and staring at himself in the mirror. But Payton is not having much fun on Date Day. Casey is being way too open and honest by telling her he hopes to one day marry Ashley and such realism really brings her morose feelings forth. Also, two quick questions: 1) What in the fuck was up with Payton maniacally bursting into laughter when Casey asked if she was pleased to be on the date and 2) Has she or the hysterically laughing person living inside the confines of her mind mentioned her threesome participation to Casey? I’m just curious.
Casey’s future wife is having a lovely time with Deac. She does like him, but she knows she’s in love with Casey. Deac’s quite the good sport about it all. He reclines in a hammock and admits to us that it’s a bit annoying that one day Ashley is into him and the next day she’s seemingly into Ben and then she’s crying about Casey, but he’s wise enough to know that Ashley is going to have to figure out her feelings herself so he’s not about to push her. Aden seems to be taking the same tack with Kate. He tells her the guys were kind of happy when she learned of Dave’s hot tub mess up because they figured maybe it would make her more open to this experience, but Kate misses Dave completely despite knowing that things will probably never be the same between them – and she’s basing that statement on the shit that happened before the threesome.
After almost burning down the villa by attempting to make dinner, the female Temptresses ask Payton about her date and Payton’s response to what happened is what I like to call Peak Bonkers Fucking Crazy. See, she’s not particularly interested in what Casey actually said because the imaginary subtext she was able to decipher out of absolutely nothing is so much more comforting. She’s decided that the reason Casey said he wants to marry Ashley is because he’s starting to have feelings for Payton. If you are unable to follow that convoluted logic, congratulations. You’re officially normal.
As for Threesome Dave, he’s inside some lovely structure made out of teak explaining to Toneata that he is so very upset at his behavior the night before. He’s afraid he looks like a jackass and he’s really concerned that the person he disappointed the most is Toneata. Feel free to read that sentence again and then feel free to resist the impulse to slam your head into a wall. Yes, it’s Toneata’s feelings Dave is concerned about and this guy is officially a dick, but do not despair! Toneata is totally open to getting closer to Dave because she thinks he seems like a truly great guy and watching this show is starting to make me feel very tired and just a wee bit violent.
Also: Rick goes to bed wearing a satin eye mask.
Also: Medinah crawls into bed with Rick and blows him.
Also: I like these two together, but I hope she didn’t swallow.
When Kate walks into her own bedroom at the villa later, she sees that her bed has been strewn with Hershey’s Kisses and a note Dominique left her apologizing for his earlier behavior. I love that Kate pops a piece of chocolate into her mouth before she does anything else, but then she smiles and heads downstairs to say thank you for a written sentiment that I’d bet is far sweeter than anything her boyfriend of several years ever scribbled to her – though I imagine he would be willing right now to write a sonnet about the majesty that is Toneata. Kate allows Dominique to rub her shoulders, but had he given her some Twix, he might be getting to first base right about now.
It’s about time for a Bonfire to go down and Deac is hoping Ashley will see footage of Casey seriously fucking up so he can swoop in as a shoulder to cry on – or a deac to go down on. But it’s the guys who show up first and Dave is wearing his I-Feel-Regret glasses, which I’d imagine are on sale at a mall near you. He’s frustrated that he won’t be able to explain his side of what happened to Kate, though that explanation really cannot include anything besides the words “I’m fucking selfish and I wanted to satisfy my own needs so you and your heart did not factor in at all the very moment I got hard.” In any case, he watches totally benign footage of Kate and solemnly says that he feels badly that he let himself down and his girlfriend down and that he has cried TWO WHOLE TIMES this week. Poor baby. Now ask yourself how many times your fucking girlfriend has cried since the moment you told her it would be a great idea for the two of you to voyage to Temptation Island.
Gavin, who looks quite cute in pink, watches footage of Esonica telling Kareem that Gavin doesn’t compliment her, but Gavin disputes this charge. He does compliment her, he insists, but he thinks it’s ridiculous he has to compliment her so often for her to be happy. Maybe the funniest shot of this entire episode is Rick nodding sagely in the background as Gavin explains himself because you just know Ashley walks around with a goddamn egg timer and if Rick doesn’t compliment her before it goes off, there is serious hell to pay. When it’s Rick’s turn to stare at the iPad, he looks like he’s being tortured – which he kind of is. He listens to the Ashley/KB “Can I feel your dick now?” exchange and his reaction is a very appropriate croaked out version of “What the fuck?” What the fuck indeed, Rick. He feels disgusted and admits he’s not particularly surprised, but I think that is probably more of a commentary on how Ashley is so needy when it comes to requiring constant attention than that she has a longstanding issue with fidelity. Still, the woman does not appear to be pining away for him and so he’s choosing to use his time on the island to focus on himself. Then it’s Casey’s turn, and this moment is the most manipulative thing tonight. Casey sees Ashley telling Deac she likes him and he basically shrugs because nothing he is seeing is causing him to feel threatened. But notice, please, that the footage cuts before Ashley adds “But I know I’m in love with Casey” and also note that when Casey has no sort of reaction, Mark jumps in to say how very possible it might be for Deac to one day soon become The New Casey. Yes, if the footage alone doesn’t scar these contestants, the host will come for them with metaphorical razor blades. Nobody leaves Bonfires without spilling a little bit of blood.
So yeah, let’s talk about emotional bloodshed! Let’s discuss how Kate heads into this Bonfire expecting the worst, but she has no real idea yet just how shitty the worst can actually be. Ashley G. is also nervous and, almost hilariously, she is now claiming her love for Rick is real and he is all she cares about and the scariest thing about any of this is that I’m pretty sure Ashley believes what she’s saying. She’s up first and she watches Rick and Medinah kiss and then she sees them in bed. “I’m not fucking made for this shit,” mutters the woman who should be awarded a medal for Quickest Bang Scene on Temptation Island. Look, I’m sure watching Rick be intimate is difficult and I do not discount the pain she feels in the slightest, but she played her hand first and that hand clutched some other guy’s dick on Day #2 and this is the fallout of the shit choices she made.
“KB and I have respectfully gone into the friend zone,” Ashley explains to Mark, as though she had a single say in that decision. She claims, though, that the reason she made such a choice is because she still feels emotionally tied to Rick and this sequence is so bizarre due to Ashley’s sheer lack of self-awareness that it almost defies comprehension.
Esonica watches footage next and, unsurprisingly, it is of Gavin going to absolute town on some chick’s feet. “Dude, eww,” she says matter of factly, but when Ashley H. laughs at the absurdity of it all, Esonica tells her to stop because what she just watched her boyfriend do is disgusting. And yes, seeing your beloved suck on someone else’s feet is tough to see, let’s just say right here and now that there exists a sliding scale of disgusting and Kate is about to experience that scale tipping. But first Esonica gets in a joke that when she and Gavin were setting up parameters before they arrived for this vicious little experiment, she was apparently remiss by not including “don’t slobber on another woman’s feet” on the list. She doesn’t think what she’s watching is anything emotional – and she’s right – but she does think Gavin has already forgotten about her. If these two leave the island together, I will be fucking stunned.
Ashley H. is crying before a second of video plays for her, but she begins to really sob when she sees Casey pontificating about how he’d be just fine if he and Ashley broke up and he’s not sure he’s really in love with her anyway. Sure, the producers could have chosen for her to see the moment Casey declared he fully intends to one day marry her, but those words will not guarantee that Ashley rushes into the arms of either Deac or Ben – or, if a God is smiling down on production, both of them. The others console her, Ashley G. whispers that she deserves more, but Ashley is feeling exactly the way the people creating this show want her to feel: devastated and drowning in emotional chaos.
And now it’s Kate’s turn, and I swear that Mark looks reluctant just walking towards the iPad to cue the thing up. She breathes deeply and visibly and then stares at footage of her boyfriend showering with Samantha and then rolling around in bed with two women and while Ashley H. shouts “What the fuck?” Kate sinks so deeply into her shock and her misery that it is going to take a hell of a lot of Hershey’s Kisses – and perhaps a cavalry of therapists – to ever pull her out of this tropical purgatory.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Her Twitter is @nell_kalter